I think I’ve hit a whole new level…

{ May 21, 2008 @ 12:33 am } · { Blurbs }
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So I know I have not been on  a whole lot with school and everything finally coming to a close, but while I was looking through my email, I got an alert.  This alert was about a new comment on my first blog called “Thoughts on AshleyMadison.com”.  Now the comment is an interesting one.  It made me laugh.

The commentor calls themselves “God”, but I don’t think God would ever say the things that were said.

You can check my top posts and see the comment for yourself.

I just think that my website has hit a whole new level if it is creating this much controversy.  LOL!

Reflections…

{ May 6, 2008 @ 11:03 am } · { Thoughts on... }
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I’m sitting in the library auditorium and instead of listening to the professor or even being productive by writing a paper, I decided to update.

I’m going to try not to talk about my stresses or anything not happy or purely reflective.  I will try, but I make no guarantee.

I’ve been trying to take a step in the right direction.  I’ve been trying to eat healthier and exercise.  I have been off and on with it.  The first week I was very diligent and lost two pounds, but have fallen off that wagon.  Life has taken over.  Things have come up on the times I had specifically set for the gym and I’ve have done those instead of being true to my original intentions.  I’ve felt bad when I haven’t gone, but nonetheless, I have skipped.

I want to loose weight and be thin again.  Phil has been awesome with me and my issues.  He has been really sweet saying that I’m beautiful and perfect the way I am.  He is really great, but that doesn’t help with my doubts and general dislike of myself.

I’ve been having some sort of fun between the hecticness of my life.  It’s a little strange, but I’ve been having the most fun when I have been irresponsible.  Ditching the gym and work for fun with friends and just some me time.

They always say to live life for the moment.  It sometimes seems that living for the moment means ditching schedules and responsibility sometimes.  I’m 20 years old and I feel that if I didn’t have my scheduler or my To Do list, I would be lost.  That’s not living for the moment and seems like a waste of this precious gift that God has given.  So yes, I do procrastinate and stress myself out over projects that are left for the last minute, but I’m enjoying my life by using my time for more important things. Instead of spending 20 hours on projects/papers, I spend maybe 5 or less.  That difference is spent laughing, loving, and enjoying time with friends and the people I love.  God has blessed me and I want to spend time enjoying those blessings, not taking time to do work that only lasts for a couple of months.

I know things will get better as soon as school is over.  There will be more time with no school.

Waiting for my life not to be scheduled and responsible.

Deteriorated-Installment 5

{ March 30, 2008 @ 2:01 pm } · { Deteriorated, creative writing }
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Chapter 2
The Game of…
I feel like life can be one huge football game. We are at the line of scrimmage and you are facing off against the opposing team. You see their quarterback giving the play and you are trying to anticipate their action. You stand before each other and are waiting for them to move. You are waiting for them to act. In a split second, movement commences and everyone is scrambling. You’re moving this way and that, but are only able to see a beautifully executed plan go straight through your wall of defense. Your crushed. Your defeated.
How many times have we seen the same things happen to us when the people we love the most, hurt us the worst? How their words and actions are able to hit us were it hurts because we are unable to defend. We let our guard down. Yet, how many times have we seen a defense learn from their mistake and strengthen their resistance? The same is with us. We don’t want to be humiliated again and appear weak. We put up our wall.
The game plan: to touch the untouchable. The coach has commissioned us to go full tilt into the darkness and save those who are destined for death. To break down the walls and be a bridge from God’s heart to human hearts everywhere. To take those who are unloved and make them feel loved. To touch their hearts and make them feel connected to the body of Christ. This idea is supposed to override any of our actions and motives as a part of the leadership team.
Yet, can’t we take a good look at ourselves and say we are winners. I see our own walls and gaping wounds. I’ve known the pain of defeat and I can see pain in my own team mates.

Deny yourself.
But I’m hurting.
Deny Yourself.
I can’t see past the tears.
Deny Yourself.
It’s too much.

Yet, we have to push past the pain. Let ourselves be open and defenseless. We have to go against our human nature and natural instincts. We have to deny our own feelings and leave ourselves open to attack. Fights with our brothers, girlfriends, and friends have to be put to rest as we work with these same souls towards our common goal.
At times, I sit in the building or in the sanctuary. I look at the stage and wonder about our accomplishments. I look at the faces around me, sitting in the crimson chairs. Saved by the blood. Yet, shedding our own and each others.
I wonder if we understand the consequences of our actions. Can we save a soul while condemning another?
Is it awful that I sit at our services and meetings and ponder these thoughts?

Is it worse not to realize it at all?

Just a thought……

{ March 27, 2008 @ 9:22 am } · { Blurbs, Thoughts on... }
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my heart has never been broken.

sure, it`s been stepped on, even stomped on ocassionally.

it`s been smacked around a little.

ripped in a few places, torn in a lot.

there`s even a few claw marks and a few bits missing.

it`s slightly lopsided and very fragile looking, with all the bruises and initials carved in like an old school desk

it`s a little bit squished and it hurts sometimes, but it`s beautiful.

and no one can ever break that. <3

Here I am…

{ March 23, 2008 @ 11:19 pm } · { Blurbs, Thoughts on... }
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Broken.

I feel it. I feel it in my heart at times and in my soul.

The retreat was about brokenness and restoration. I don’t know how much it helped me. I know God heals all wounds, but right now I see pieces of me scattered on the ground. I’ve always had issues with being broken. I guess that everyone does, but I can relate with protecting my brokenness.

I still put up walls around the pain and put a new band aid over the wound. I can’t heal, but just try to numb myself.

I want to get away from this pattern, but it hurts me. I want to get out of this vicious circle that separates me from everyone else.

I want to be open, but every time I taste freedom, I feel my wings clipped and I hit the ground. Hard.

I don’t want to be hurt again, but I don’t want to be alone.

Deteriorated-Installment 4

{ March 10, 2008 @ 9:11 pm } · { Deteriorated, creative writing }
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Two for the price of ONE!!! I just want to get what I already have while I’m editing the the newest part.

 As Cold As…
It’s cold.  I hate the cold.  Edward loves the fall and winter, but I don’t see why.  Snow is nice, but the cold doesn’t agree with me.  I have the blades on my feet and I’m slightly anticipating stepping onto the ice.  Okay, so maybe I’m not a full winter hater.  I do love ice skating.  I don’t know why, but I do.
I step onto the ice and my first couple of moves are tentative.  I brace myself for a fall that never comes and then, surprisingly, I’m relaxed.  I move fluidly on the ice, sometimes jerkily, but mostly fluidly.  There’s something about ice skating that I can’t explain, but somehow my soul leaps at the chance to sail upon the ice.
I speed up.  I slow down.  I watch as my skates cut a thin line in the ice. I see how the ice almost welcomes the blade.  It seems to melt a layer away and allows the blade to come further into it’s body. It’s allowing the blade to search it and become a part of it.
I lift my face up to the sky with my arms held out.  I have let Edward and the rest of my group to go and do what they please, but here am I.  I am me.  For this precious moment, I feel free.  I feel like I can soar past all of the ugliness that is trying to touch me and just be me.  I speed up.  I pump my legs and then glide.  Blade to ice.  Ice to blade. One.

To Break Through the…
I try a hockey stop and have ice spray all over my friends.  They are laughing and now beginning to skate away, but I know they will come back to try to get even.  I skate slowly as I scan the crowd for Milagros.  When I see her I almost stop.
I see her skating with all her heart as she goes faster and faster.  She has this brightness in her eye that shows her life, a life that has been missing lately.  Like the sun breaking through the clouds, I see this new life shine through.  She lifts her face upwards and has the biggest smile I have ever seen.  She lifts her hands up and it seems like she is trying to spin around.
I see a wobble and then she hits the ground.  I hurry over to her.  I hope she isn’t hurt.  When I get there, I find that she is laughing, this full laugh that makes me laugh with her.  She stretches her hands out to me and I grab them.  I pull her up and when she gets on her feet she looks straight into my eyes.  Her face is glowing with some kind of energy that has been missing for quite some time.  Her eyes.  Her smile.  Her laugh.
This is what I fell in love with.

The Catch-Up Blurb

{ February 28, 2008 @ 11:50 am } · { Blurbs, School & Teaching, Work }
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Sorry my friends!!!!

Life has been quite crazy.  I tried to blog my story on Monday, but it didn’t work for some odd reason.  So I’m blogging in between classes, so you do not think that I have completely abandoned you.

One of the major things I want to write about is what happened on February 9th…

February 9th is going to go down in our church history, I am afraid to state.  That Saturday was when we held the 11th annual Christ Fellowship Ski Trip.  This was to be my first year.  My boyfriend is an avid skier and has been skiing for awhile, so I felt that I had to attempt it.  He is very active and athletic, which I am not.  While he is jumping and flipping off, onto, or through walls, I would be quite comfy on a couch with a great book. 

So i went.  I was tired, but looking forward to some fun and falls.  We approached the first hill and I just kind of went for it.  No lesson.  No tips and no tricks.  Just went down the hill.  I didn’t kill myself, but I fell.  Spent ten to twenty minutes trying to get up.  Wasn’t discouraged, but was mighty proud of myself.  Phil then gave me some help about what to do.  Went down again and can’t remember exactly, but I’m sure I fell.  I did fall quite a few times.

Let’s fast forward just a little.  We had gone down once and were now on our second attempt down the hill.  I thought I was getting better, but have since heard that I was still doing pretty awful.  We were stopping at a bend and as I tried to stop, I fell.  Big surprise…not.  Yet, this fall was different.  As I fell, I felt my right leg twist.  Jabs of mind numbing pain went through my knee.  Oh, it hurt.  I had to get brought down and then make a trip to the ER.  It wasn’t fun at all.  AT ALL.  I hated it. I won’t continue on the rest of the horribleness, but will just say that I had sprained my knee and was unable to do anything for myself.

Update:  I’m about 80% better now.  I was very giddy last week when I was actually able to go up the stairs in a some what normal fashion.  Now I am the master of up and down.  Still can’t bend it like the left kneee, but my right knee has made significant progress.

So that has been the past couple of weeks for me.  I will update the story soon.  I have been receiving feedback and I will continue onward.

Deteriorated Installment 3

{ January 18, 2008 @ 7:21 pm } · { Deteriorated, creative writing }
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Another Day…….
I look over at Edward and I smile.  He’s in the corner of the room, talking with all of our friends like always.  It’s always the same after every meeting.  The group breaks up into it’s cliques.  We are supposed to be united, but the opposite seems true.  We stay in these groups and our lives revolve around them.  Maybe there are a few who drift in and out of the groups, but mostly the groups are permanent.  Memberships change, but overall everything is the same.
I feel like I have special access to these cliques.  Most of these people have been together their whole lives, while I am only a blip on the radar screen of their history.  Yet, it allows me this awkward outsider access.  I am a part of this group, but not.  They just seem like another acquaintance.  Just another name on the list of people I know.  It just seem fake.
Edward is different.  He doesn’t have this awkwardness like I.  He is a part of the group.  He has that membership card that I lack.  He was born into this church.  He was born into this group.  He has a lifetime access to this family.  The hardest part is that since we began dating, I feel like I’ve been granted extra privileges. This relationship has given me a new status and an upgrade from outsider to slightly inside.
I walk around.  I converse a little here and a little there, but not really connecting to much.  Not allowing that extra time to connect.  Just enough.  I’m the great actress who makes you believe in what is false.  You believe you know me and have access to this private life of mine, but you are mistaken.  You are not given access just like you refuse access.
I make my way to Edward’s group and let myself into his circle.  Partially in the group, but partly excluded because of the physical diameter of the circle.  I listen to the friendly banter and just soak it in.  I may have a comment or two, but I keep it to myself. I listen, but keep exploring the grouping that unveils in front of me. I see Mitch, Jake, Nelle, Jen, and Ava sitting together.  Mitch and Jake are doing something that Nelle and Ava find hysterical, but that I may just find gross and maybe a little sexual.  I look over to Elizabeth and Arnold talking together, deep in a conversation that can only pertain to their own relationship matters.
I look at Jessica and Sarah, the wives of the pastors, talking about something.  Jessica is animated and Sarah is looking like she is trying to counter whatever Jessica’s animation is conveying.  Edmund, Will, Ken, and Carlos are talking about who knows what, but from what I can tell it must be theological in matter for these masters to be together.  Catherine wanders into that group and whispers something in Edmund’s ear.  He nods and continues.
Edmund always makes me wonder.  He is one of the newest member of our leadership team, but he fits in with the old regime so much better than I.  It’s not even his relationship with Catherine, but something else.  Something I may lack.
I fall back into the conversation as I hear Edward asking me if I wanted to go ice skating.  I say yes and find out that a group is going and that’s it not only Edward and I.  I’m a little saddened, but figure it is better this way.

Blurb of the day….

{ January 12, 2008 @ 3:19 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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Was listening to the radio the other day and they were talking about weight and how woman feel about their body image.

1.Women would rather have an extra toe than an extra 50 lbs.

Food for thought…….

Thoughts on Body Image

{ January 10, 2008 @ 9:57 pm } · { Blurbs, Thoughts on... }
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It seems that as a girl, I am obligated to talk about body issues.

Yet, this is topic is relevant to certain circumstances in my life as of right now.

One day, I was just going about my business when a coworker came up to me and asked if I was pregnant. I was very upset because there is no way in the world I could be pregnant. Trust me. I reply no and she says that I was looking a little chunky. I tell this story to my friends and they assure me that this coworker is entirely insane to say this.

But it still stuck in my head. It’s something that sticks in my head as I try on clothes and I can’t move on from that one comment.

So fast forward to Tuesday Night, where I’m watching “The Biggest Loser” and remembering that one comment. So I decided to express to Phil my feelings and how I wanted to loose weight, but I’m weak on my own. So he said he would help. Then came the thing that everyone who thinks that they are fat fear. The Scale.

I weighed 145 lbs……

Lord, that is horrible. It is the most I have ever weighed. In my LIFE!! I’m a little distraught.

Why does everyone put so much emphasis on looks and body image. It’s just something that is drilled into everyone from birth. Women get slammed for their looks all the time. It’s really sad.

Sometimes I wish that I wouldn’t be tied into what people think of my looks and be so self-conscious. Yet, my mom has always been on top of me about how I dress and how I present myself.

Society is so fixated on looks and appearances. How many self-help books on loosing weight, fad diets, tv shows, and exercise equipment commercials are out there in this world? It’s very profitable to pick on people’s fear of being fat and/or ugly. Aren’t we humans who just want to feel like we belong and are liked. Don’t we NOT want to feel like a weirdo and an outsider.

It’s tough not to buy into all of this.

Grr…So I’m working on loosing weight. So I can be at my normal weight. Or just feel better about myself. Or just conform to the thinness.

Yay me. (Sarcasm)

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