Deteriorated- Installment 2 December 17, 2007

For the love of…
We walk into the building and sit down for another meeting.  I sit next to my girlfriend Milagros.  I love her.  I would do anything for her.  If I had to jump in front of a bullet that may hit her, I would.  If I had to eat 1,000 hot chili peppers, I would.  Yet, sometimes I feel that there is nothing between us.  I wonder how these two views and ideas can live in one heart.  How can I love, yet not at the same time?
I look at her as the pastor’s voice drones on in the backward.  I can see that far away look in her eye as she stares at the pastor’s face.  I can tell what he cannot.  She isn’t listening, but going into that place deep inside her heart that people are not allowed.  A place that I’m not even allowed access to and it makes me angry.  It gets me so mad that there are things hidden from me that she won’t tell me.  I get so frustrated. Sometimes she does tell me, but only when we are in an argument.  Here are the times when she dumps on me. She unloads all of her problems with my actions and makes me into a monster. How can I love that?
Two years later, we are still together.  Still strong may be pushing it for I don’t know how strong our bond may actually be.  How strong can a bond be between anyone you know?  You may be my best friend, but can I say our connection is strong?  How do I know that you won’t go lie about me behind my back?  How can I be sure that you won’t go and steal something from me?  How?
I drift back into the meeting as I hear the pastor say something about faith and dedication.  What does he mean?  What is faith?  Can I say I have it?  Probably not.  Do I have dedication?  I’m still here am I not.  If I wasn’t dedicated I would have left long ago.  Here I am 20 years old and every Friday night, I give myself over to screaming over loud obnoxious kids instead of partying and enjoying my weekend.
Every Friday, I run home after work.  I try to gather all my equipment, which depending on the night, can be tons of stuff like candy, plastic utensils, or a bucket of worms.  I’m in charge from 7-8 pm and I’m dedicated.  I spend tons of time stressing over every detail of my hour.  Those kids will have fun at youth group as long as I’m in charge of it.  On average we have 25 kids who attend.  These kids know what to expect when they walk through those doors, quality.

Deteriorated- Installment 1 December 11, 2007

I’ve recently started on a story that was for a school assignment.  I’ve really enjoyed writing this story and feel that I could actually continue the story and make it into something.  I’ve always wanted to publish something “good”.  So here is my attempt.

An Introduction to Something More

The city of Elizabeth may be the story of a decayed place rebuilt, but I don’t see it.  How can you rebuild a city that is dead on the inside?
I walk the streets and I see the graffitied walls being repainted and the storefronts restored, but the beauty is only on the outside.  Inside that graffitied building lives a child who cries at night, cold and hungry.  Inside that storefront is a shopkeeper who steals from the owner.  Inside is the ugliness.
I walk down the streets and shrink farther into my coat.  The wind is chilling or maybe it isn’t the actual air.  Maybe it’s a wind of change.  That is just a hope I have.  A hope of a cool breeze wafting through the city and engorging a fire of revival.  Where this city can triumph and really be reborn.
Yet, it starts with the people.  The mayor thinks that we can rebuild, renew, and restore the commerce in this city.  He thinks that he is on the right track.  He can’t see what I can see.  He can’t see the blackness in his own heart and how his hate fills every action of his hand.
I walk down the street and see a group of people.  Big puffy coats.  Timberland.  North Face. Fitted caps.  The illusion of “cool”.  Their hearts are so empty.  They are following this god that only wants and desires more and more from them.  This god is going to eat them up one day.  Their foolish desire will consume them.
I look up at the sky and see the grayness that may be pervading my mood, but I know that there is more to this introspective pessimism that I am feeling.  I feel something tugging at my heart.  I hear the faint whisper of my name, “Milagros.” Is that my soul calling me to actually see?  It seems to come closer and seems to be calling louder.
I don’t realize until I feel the touch on my shoulder that it isn’t my soul, but is my boyfriend Edward.  The love of my life, for as long as it lasts, either way.   He puts his arms around me and I share the embrace and the warmth.  He starts on normal conversational questions like  how are you, what have you been doing, and so on and so forth.  We walk together towards the center of most of our lives and organizational activities.  We walk onwards.

Thoughts (Semi-blurb) on Stress December 7, 2007

Lately, I have been under so much stress.  Thats why I haven’t been able to blog as of late.

It’s coming towards the end of the semester which means that everyday is a new deadline that I have to meet.  Sadly, I was born to procrastinate and thought I struggle against it, I fail most of the time.

It’s just been so tiring to try to handle all of my responsibilities.  I don’t want to sound like I am complaining because I don’t like to complain.  I don’t like to whine because I know that I have made this bed and I am ready to lie in it.

It’s funny that only a short while ago, I was writing about how I felt that I was resting in God.  It seems that I haven’t been able to rest at all.  This week, I was sleeping a lot only because I was sick, but I wasn’t really resting.  Though I was sleeping, my mind was uneasy.  I have so many things due and going on  with me that my mind is running while I may be standing still.

I just need to get this week over with so I can actually rest for school will be over for a month.  Thank God for that.