Deteriorated- Installment 2 December 17, 2007

For the love of…
We walk into the building and sit down for another meeting.  I sit next to my girlfriend Milagros.  I love her.  I would do anything for her.  If I had to jump in front of a bullet that may hit her, I would.  If I had to eat 1,000 hot chili peppers, I would.  Yet, sometimes I feel that there is nothing between us.  I wonder how these two views and ideas can live in one heart.  How can I love, yet not at the same time?
I look at her as the pastor’s voice drones on in the backward.  I can see that far away look in her eye as she stares at the pastor’s face.  I can tell what he cannot.  She isn’t listening, but going into that place deep inside her heart that people are not allowed.  A place that I’m not even allowed access to and it makes me angry.  It gets me so mad that there are things hidden from me that she won’t tell me.  I get so frustrated. Sometimes she does tell me, but only when we are in an argument.  Here are the times when she dumps on me. She unloads all of her problems with my actions and makes me into a monster. How can I love that?
Two years later, we are still together.  Still strong may be pushing it for I don’t know how strong our bond may actually be.  How strong can a bond be between anyone you know?  You may be my best friend, but can I say our connection is strong?  How do I know that you won’t go lie about me behind my back?  How can I be sure that you won’t go and steal something from me?  How?
I drift back into the meeting as I hear the pastor say something about faith and dedication.  What does he mean?  What is faith?  Can I say I have it?  Probably not.  Do I have dedication?  I’m still here am I not.  If I wasn’t dedicated I would have left long ago.  Here I am 20 years old and every Friday night, I give myself over to screaming over loud obnoxious kids instead of partying and enjoying my weekend.
Every Friday, I run home after work.  I try to gather all my equipment, which depending on the night, can be tons of stuff like candy, plastic utensils, or a bucket of worms.  I’m in charge from 7-8 pm and I’m dedicated.  I spend tons of time stressing over every detail of my hour.  Those kids will have fun at youth group as long as I’m in charge of it.  On average we have 25 kids who attend.  These kids know what to expect when they walk through those doors, quality.