Another Day…….
I look over at Edward and I smile. He’s in the corner of the room, talking with all of our friends like always. It’s always the same after every meeting. The group breaks up into it’s cliques. We are supposed to be united, but the opposite seems true. We stay in these groups and our lives revolve around them. Maybe there are a few who drift in and out of the groups, but mostly the groups are permanent. Memberships change, but overall everything is the same.
I feel like I have special access to these cliques. Most of these people have been together their whole lives, while I am only a blip on the radar screen of their history. Yet, it allows me this awkward outsider access. I am a part of this group, but not. They just seem like another acquaintance. Just another name on the list of people I know. It just seem fake.
Edward is different. He doesn’t have this awkwardness like I. He is a part of the group. He has that membership card that I lack. He was born into this church. He was born into this group. He has a lifetime access to this family. The hardest part is that since we began dating, I feel like I’ve been granted extra privileges. This relationship has given me a new status and an upgrade from outsider to slightly inside.
I walk around. I converse a little here and a little there, but not really connecting to much. Not allowing that extra time to connect. Just enough. I’m the great actress who makes you believe in what is false. You believe you know me and have access to this private life of mine, but you are mistaken. You are not given access just like you refuse access.
I make my way to Edward’s group and let myself into his circle. Partially in the group, but partly excluded because of the physical diameter of the circle. I listen to the friendly banter and just soak it in. I may have a comment or two, but I keep it to myself. I listen, but keep exploring the grouping that unveils in front of me. I see Mitch, Jake, Nelle, Jen, and Ava sitting together. Mitch and Jake are doing something that Nelle and Ava find hysterical, but that I may just find gross and maybe a little sexual. I look over to Elizabeth and Arnold talking together, deep in a conversation that can only pertain to their own relationship matters.
I look at Jessica and Sarah, the wives of the pastors, talking about something. Jessica is animated and Sarah is looking like she is trying to counter whatever Jessica’s animation is conveying. Edmund, Will, Ken, and Carlos are talking about who knows what, but from what I can tell it must be theological in matter for these masters to be together. Catherine wanders into that group and whispers something in Edmund’s ear. He nods and continues.
Edmund always makes me wonder. He is one of the newest member of our leadership team, but he fits in with the old regime so much better than I. It’s not even his relationship with Catherine, but something else. Something I may lack.
I fall back into the conversation as I hear Edward asking me if I wanted to go ice skating. I say yes and find out that a group is going and that’s it not only Edward and I. I’m a little saddened, but figure it is better this way.
Deteriorated Installment 3 January 18, 2008
Blurb of the day…. January 12, 2008
Was listening to the radio the other day and they were talking about weight and how woman feel about their body image.
1.Women would rather have an extra toe than an extra 50 lbs.
Food for thought…….
Thoughts on Body Image January 10, 2008
It seems that as a girl, I am obligated to talk about body issues.
Yet, this is topic is relevant to certain circumstances in my life as of right now.
One day, I was just going about my business when a coworker came up to me and asked if I was pregnant. I was very upset because there is no way in the world I could be pregnant. Trust me. I reply no and she says that I was looking a little chunky. I tell this story to my friends and they assure me that this coworker is entirely insane to say this.
But it still stuck in my head. It’s something that sticks in my head as I try on clothes and I can’t move on from that one comment.
So fast forward to Tuesday Night, where I’m watching “The Biggest Loser” and remembering that one comment. So I decided to express to Phil my feelings and how I wanted to loose weight, but I’m weak on my own. So he said he would help. Then came the thing that everyone who thinks that they are fat fear. The Scale.
I weighed 145 lbs……
Lord, that is horrible. It is the most I have ever weighed. In my LIFE!! I’m a little distraught.
Why does everyone put so much emphasis on looks and body image. It’s just something that is drilled into everyone from birth. Women get slammed for their looks all the time. It’s really sad.
Sometimes I wish that I wouldn’t be tied into what people think of my looks and be so self-conscious. Yet, my mom has always been on top of me about how I dress and how I present myself.
Society is so fixated on looks and appearances. How many self-help books on loosing weight, fad diets, tv shows, and exercise equipment commercials are out there in this world? It’s very profitable to pick on people’s fear of being fat and/or ugly. Aren’t we humans who just want to feel like we belong and are liked. Don’t we NOT want to feel like a weirdo and an outsider.
It’s tough not to buy into all of this.
Grr…So I’m working on loosing weight. So I can be at my normal weight. Or just feel better about myself. Or just conform to the thinness.
Yay me. (Sarcasm)
