Deteriorated-Installment 5 March 30, 2008

Chapter 2
The Game of…
I feel like life can be one huge football game. We are at the line of scrimmage and you are facing off against the opposing team. You see their quarterback giving the play and you are trying to anticipate their action. You stand before each other and are waiting for them to move. You are waiting for them to act. In a split second, movement commences and everyone is scrambling. You’re moving this way and that, but are only able to see a beautifully executed plan go straight through your wall of defense. Your crushed. Your defeated.
How many times have we seen the same things happen to us when the people we love the most, hurt us the worst? How their words and actions are able to hit us were it hurts because we are unable to defend. We let our guard down. Yet, how many times have we seen a defense learn from their mistake and strengthen their resistance? The same is with us. We don’t want to be humiliated again and appear weak. We put up our wall.
The game plan: to touch the untouchable. The coach has commissioned us to go full tilt into the darkness and save those who are destined for death. To break down the walls and be a bridge from God’s heart to human hearts everywhere. To take those who are unloved and make them feel loved. To touch their hearts and make them feel connected to the body of Christ. This idea is supposed to override any of our actions and motives as a part of the leadership team.
Yet, can’t we take a good look at ourselves and say we are winners. I see our own walls and gaping wounds. I’ve known the pain of defeat and I can see pain in my own team mates.

Deny yourself.
But I’m hurting.
Deny Yourself.
I can’t see past the tears.
Deny Yourself.
It’s too much.

Yet, we have to push past the pain. Let ourselves be open and defenseless. We have to go against our human nature and natural instincts. We have to deny our own feelings and leave ourselves open to attack. Fights with our brothers, girlfriends, and friends have to be put to rest as we work with these same souls towards our common goal.
At times, I sit in the building or in the sanctuary. I look at the stage and wonder about our accomplishments. I look at the faces around me, sitting in the crimson chairs. Saved by the blood. Yet, shedding our own and each others.
I wonder if we understand the consequences of our actions. Can we save a soul while condemning another?
Is it awful that I sit at our services and meetings and ponder these thoughts?

Is it worse not to realize it at all?

Just a thought…… March 27, 2008

my heart has never been broken.

sure, it`s been stepped on, even stomped on ocassionally.

it`s been smacked around a little.

ripped in a few places, torn in a lot.

there`s even a few claw marks and a few bits missing.

it`s slightly lopsided and very fragile looking, with all the bruises and initials carved in like an old school desk

it`s a little bit squished and it hurts sometimes, but it`s beautiful.

and no one can ever break that. <3

Here I am… March 23, 2008

Broken.

I feel it. I feel it in my heart at times and in my soul.

The retreat was about brokenness and restoration. I don’t know how much it helped me. I know God heals all wounds, but right now I see pieces of me scattered on the ground. I’ve always had issues with being broken. I guess that everyone does, but I can relate with protecting my brokenness.

I still put up walls around the pain and put a new band aid over the wound. I can’t heal, but just try to numb myself.

I want to get away from this pattern, but it hurts me. I want to get out of this vicious circle that separates me from everyone else.

I want to be open, but every time I taste freedom, I feel my wings clipped and I hit the ground. Hard.

I don’t want to be hurt again, but I don’t want to be alone.

Deteriorated-Installment 4 March 10, 2008

Two for the price of ONE!!! I just want to get what I already have while I’m editing the the newest part.

 As Cold As…
It’s cold.  I hate the cold.  Edward loves the fall and winter, but I don’t see why.  Snow is nice, but the cold doesn’t agree with me.  I have the blades on my feet and I’m slightly anticipating stepping onto the ice.  Okay, so maybe I’m not a full winter hater.  I do love ice skating.  I don’t know why, but I do.
I step onto the ice and my first couple of moves are tentative.  I brace myself for a fall that never comes and then, surprisingly, I’m relaxed.  I move fluidly on the ice, sometimes jerkily, but mostly fluidly.  There’s something about ice skating that I can’t explain, but somehow my soul leaps at the chance to sail upon the ice.
I speed up.  I slow down.  I watch as my skates cut a thin line in the ice. I see how the ice almost welcomes the blade.  It seems to melt a layer away and allows the blade to come further into it’s body. It’s allowing the blade to search it and become a part of it.
I lift my face up to the sky with my arms held out.  I have let Edward and the rest of my group to go and do what they please, but here am I.  I am me.  For this precious moment, I feel free.  I feel like I can soar past all of the ugliness that is trying to touch me and just be me.  I speed up.  I pump my legs and then glide.  Blade to ice.  Ice to blade. One.

To Break Through the…
I try a hockey stop and have ice spray all over my friends.  They are laughing and now beginning to skate away, but I know they will come back to try to get even.  I skate slowly as I scan the crowd for Milagros.  When I see her I almost stop.
I see her skating with all her heart as she goes faster and faster.  She has this brightness in her eye that shows her life, a life that has been missing lately.  Like the sun breaking through the clouds, I see this new life shine through.  She lifts her face upwards and has the biggest smile I have ever seen.  She lifts her hands up and it seems like she is trying to spin around.
I see a wobble and then she hits the ground.  I hurry over to her.  I hope she isn’t hurt.  When I get there, I find that she is laughing, this full laugh that makes me laugh with her.  She stretches her hands out to me and I grab them.  I pull her up and when she gets on her feet she looks straight into my eyes.  Her face is glowing with some kind of energy that has been missing for quite some time.  Her eyes.  Her smile.  Her laugh.
This is what I fell in love with.