A new beginning… November 15, 2009

So I know I have been MIA for a while now.  The last update wasn’t my happiest and it’s been a whirlwind since May. It was an interesting post-college summer.

The Job Search: Trying to find a job was difficult.  I sent out ten applications and never got a reply! I wanted to watch that movie Post-Grad because I felt I could relate.  I ended up putting in my application twice in Elizabeth.  The second time, I actually got a response! It was tense for a couple of days.  I was trying to get all my paperwork in and trying to make the deadline of the board meeting.  I ended up missing it.  My heart and spirit was crushed, but they ended up calling an emergency meeting in which I passed and became an official teacher.

Unemployment: I ended up getting unemployment and had a work free summer.  No job and just time for me.  It was restful.  It caused me to have to stop moving and I went a little crazy. I had been non-stop from the first day I stepped on my college campus.  I worked as well as taking 6 classes at a time. I never had a break, so unemployment was my rest.  Of course, it ran out before I got my job!  It caused some stress, but I don’t think I was ever as financially stable as I had been (until now of course) when I was on unemployment.

My First Job: I am a 7th grade Language Arts teacher now and I love it! It’s been very interesting.  The first marking period ends on Tuesday and it’s been a full, fun time.  Halfway through the marking period, I also became a 6th grade Language Arts teacher. I am doing double duty now. I am also teaching after school. It’s a little crazy and stressful, but I am getting into the flow of it.

The Love of my Life: This October 8th made 4 wonderful years with my boyfriend Phil.  Four days before our anniversary, we went to see Blink-182!  They are our favorite band and probably the band that we thought we would never see.  When they reunited, we definitely knew we had to see them. We went to Madison Square Garden and sat in the Floor Section.  I was so happy and thought that nothing could have made that night any better.  Boy, was I wrong.  We got home and Phil said he wanted to give me my anniversary gift.  On my porch, Phil asked me to marry him.  Of course, I said yes!  He is now my fiance and we are planning on getting married on May 8th.

The Wedding Countdown: According to the countdown, we have 174 days until we become man and wife. I am excited.  I have my dress.  The bridesmaids have their dresses. We booked the reception site.  We have the church.  We have the pastor.  DJ: check.  Cake: check. I haven’t completed my list of things to do, but I hopefully will get everything done by May 8th.  I got my days off for a short but sweet honeymoon.  I am trying to stay calm and not stress to much.

Life is good.  I can’t complain.  I told Phil after the shock had set in from being engaged, “I am getting everything I have ever prayed for.”  I cried and am so very thankful. I could cry at this very moment.  After the hard years and the hard times when I didn’t think things would get better, I am standing triumphant and successful.

Hello World! May 4, 2009

I know my friends, I have been gone for some time.

I am graduating in 15 days.  Thursday is my official last day student teaching at Burnet Middle School.  I loved ever second of the torture. lol.

I will hopefully be back soon with more updates on myself as well as on my story.  I know certain people are waiting for it.

A Conclusion to NYWC Pittsburgh 2008 November 5, 2008

I stopped taking notes and attending seminars after my last post.  I decided I had recieved so mmuch, that I was going to coast through the rest.  I needed to relax before I came back.

Here I am sitting at a computer in Passaic School 11 and I’m back to my life.  I really needed that time to just relax and get to know the peopl I work side by side with in ministry.

Some concluding thoughts:

• The rest and fellowship was awesome and much needed.
• I need to address the cracks that have resulted from eating the fruit.  I need to spread a gospel that will make people whole.
• I can’t concentrate on everyone who walks in the door, but I need to make disciples of who are willing to drop everything to follow Christ.
• I have to evaluate myself and figure out: “Am I depending on God or just believing in him?”
• Kids who cut or are involved in other damaging behaviors are trying to deal with their pain and care for themselves in the only way they know how to.

Just some random thoughts that came to mind right away.  I couldn’t just leave this hanging.

I am definitely going to blog on that question some day soon.

NYWC 11/1/08 November 2, 2008

Interesting classes I have taken:

• Talking about the Gospel as More than Penal Substitution
• What make you and Others Tick: Finding God in our Messy Lives
• Healing and Hope for Kids who Cut

Talking about the Gospel as More than Penal Substitution: This class containe tons of useful information and Scot McKNight was a funny man.  The only downside was that he spoke in seminary lingo.  He usually explained what he meant but it threw me off to begin with. He said we have four issues we need to deal with: What is the Gospel?, How we make people respond to the Gospel and Salvation?, The problems that are resolved by the Gospel, and making a robust Gospel for Robust problems.  Scot does not believe in shrinking the gospel into 3 or 4 points because the gospel isn’t simple, but complex.  Yet, he gave us 3 nice little 4 point lists.  The net part talked about the fall of man and our becoming cracked icons or cracked reflections of our maker.  The four problems of man that must be addressed by the gospel is: the shame of self, fear of God, alienation and blame between ourselves, and alienation from the world we exist in.  These problems come from our eating the fruit and being deceived by the serpent. The only way that we can address these cracks is to make sure that wha twe tell people is the whole story.  Most of the time we make the Gospel as Jesus taking the punishment that we deserved, but we have to create a Gospel that is more.

General Session 3-Francis Chen: He really pushed my buttons and challeneged me.  It especially talked to me because of the place I feel Bridge Midtown is at now.  It seems we have been stuck in a slump and haven’t gotten any kids to come.  Some nights it was only the leadership team and it has been hard. Every night at the diner, other people are reporting back there numbers and they were so much bigger than what we had.  I wanted that.  It has been a struggle to try and be happy with the kid we have gotten to stay and become regulars.  The biggest thought: “Jesus saw a big crowd and was skeptical.  He didn’t want followers, he wanted disciples.  Followers weren’t useful for anything.  They would ruin his crap.” (My own stringing of thoughts not Francis Chen’s).

What Makes you and Others Tick?: Was quite upset when I walked in and saw that the slides said it was on prayer.  I did not want to go to a seminar on prayer.  I wanted stuff on personality.  He did speak on it and after that I left.  He said there were three type of people: Head centered, Heart centered, and Gut Centered.  Head centered people are more introverted and their looking at the world without a lot of engagement.  Most of their interactions are made within their own heads.  Their is tons of things that are going on inside of them. Their central question: “What’s going on here?”  They experience God outside of themselves and this is where God can talk to them. Heart centered people are extroverts and they have a huge social world. They like to interact and their central question is: “Will they like me?” They experience God inside of them because their outer world is so packed. Gut centered people are, what we can call, omniverts.  They are a balance of both worlds.  Their central question is: “Dos my inner world make sense with my outer world?”  They have been known to say: “”Here I am. Deal with me.” They experience God in and out. After getting this information, I left.

Healing and Hope for Kids who Cut: Surprisingly when I entered this seminar, it had just begun.  I didn’t miss any of it.  The most important thing to know is that cutting or self-injury is self-caring. These kids are dealing with pain the only way they can.  Self-injuring is a way to ese inner tension from emotions that seem uncontrollable, to escape from emptiness and depression, realizing anger, maintainng a sense of security and uniqueness, obtaining a sense of euphoria, esccaping numbness, preventing suicide, expressing emotional pain, commnicating inner turmil and need for help, validating their emotional pain, expressing/repressing sexuality, continuing abusive patterns, obtaining biochemial relief, and preventing something worse.  The most common behaviors are; cutting, burning, and head-banging.  Other forms are: branding, hair pulling, biting, carving, scratching, abrasions (example: draggin knuckles along a brick wall), hitting, bruising, interferring with natural healing (picking scabs). They do not stop because it’s thier decision and doesn’t affect anyone else, it’s their body and they can do what they want, it’s a way to show their pain, their scars help them manage, giving it up will cause more pain, pushes people away, they deserve to be punished, and if they stop, they will end up killing themselves. It’s a cycle of addiciton for them.  It’s a way for them to get from the negative area of emotion into the positive, but it follows the law of diminishing return which means as they continue, they will not get the same high they one got until it gets to the point they can’t even get into the positive anymore.  We have to respong with affirmation, alistening ear, offering our presence, acceptance, and speaking of Hope.  Some practical suggestions are: life a life worthy of trust, listen deeply/actively/non-judgementally, be available (not frantic), do NOT condemn, be medicall objective, read all you can, refer to a qualified therapist, and become acquainted with organizations for self-injurers like S.A.F.E and To Write Love on Her Arms.

General Sesson 4: Phyllis Tickle spoke. It was very informative about the history of the church.  It is very interesting to hear where we came from, but I get slightly board.  I could not fit myself into any of her four quadrants and realized my church is emerging! lol.

I hope this format is more helpful.  I know last post was a little jumbled.  I know there are others with better notes.  My friend Janelle’s blog is very good.  It’s at janellepainter.com/blog.

I can’t wait for what’s in store next!

NYWC Day One and Two (10/30-10/31) October 31, 2008

Technically, NYWC didn’t start until about 6 pm when I walked into my critical concern class. When we woke up at 10 am, it was to get ready for our first official meal in Pittsburgh.

We ended up at “Steel City Diner”.  Being from New Jersey, I was appalled that this diner was only from 7am to 3pm.  Anyway, the place was pretty nice.  It was a little small, but had the counter space and booth that is customary.  The booths were a little small and this place wasn’t really equipped to handle a group our size.  I had a gyro omelette, it was very good.  Yet, this place has the best french toast imaginable.

Afterwards, we went around Pittsburgh and visited the Monongahela Incline.  This was really cool and was like a cable car that goes up this very steep hill to the top.  At the top, you can see all of Pittsburgh and the different bridges that cross the river.  I took a lovely panorama with my camera.

Finally, we end up at the Convention hall to sign in.  I had my critical concern class which was “Leading From the Pages of your Life” by Dan Webster.  This was my first time interacting with Dan and didn’t know what I was getting into when I signed up for this seminar.  He said that a good leader is able to look over our own hearts before we try to lead others. He had us look at our life for the last twelve months and pick 10-15 events that have affected us.  We had to share these events with others who we haven’t met before.  It was really hard for me to be able to do this.  I will be the first to tell you that I have trust issues.  Yet, this was very helpful.  I got asked a very important question based on these last 12 months. “Am I believing in God or depending on him?”

The second part of the seminar was just as good.  We had to talk in our groups again, but it was about our passions and aligning our life to them.  It is really helpful to be able to see that God has given us an ambition and want and that our purpose is dependent on us realizing it.  Th whole fact that our life will fight against us if we are not moving towards this want.

The first General Session was good.  Starfield was awesome at worship.  I especially liked the bridge of “The Stand”.  The speaker was Mike Pilavachi and sadly I had already heard this message before like two years ago.  Slight difference, but basically the same.

I skipped the next seminars and took some time to visit the YS store.  It is ridiculous.  I am officially $130 poorer than when I arrived.

The exhibit hall is nice and I love the people.  People are so nice except when I tell them that I am from New Jersey.  One guy said, “Oh your from New Jersey.  I try to think about New Jersey like South Jeresey because that is the beautiful part of Jersey.  The Northern part isn’t nice.  What part are you from?” “I’m from the Northern part.”  Not a good tactic if your trying to persuade me to use your service.

I can’t wait for later.  I get to meet some twitter friends.  It is very funny to meet these people who you know over this wonderful service.  Twitter certainly makes the world smaller.

Hopefully, I can later reflect on that question.  It has really been on my mind.  I know that I’m probably leaning more towards the belief over dependence, but I will blog this later.

Talk to you later.

First post in Pitts! October 30, 2008

We made it!
It was a long and interesting drive. We left at 7:30pm and finally got to Pittsburgh at 3 am. I hate TomTom. This is the second time it has led us astray.

Anyway, hoping today is good. Post later!

I am finally here at NYWC!

Long time, No write October 29, 2008

Sorry my friends for abandoning you.  I have been on haitus because of the summer and now school.

It’s been hectic.  During the summer I was trying to live life to the fullest.  I was grasping at every opportunity available to experience and learn and grow.  I had some issues with myself.  I had to come to a realization of who I was and what was going on inside of me.  It took awhile.  I’m still working on myself.

Lately, I’ve been trying to deal with the stress.  It always seems like I’m under major stress.

Let me explain:

I’m a Senior at William Paterson.  I have next spring and I’m done.  I’m working on getting my certification for Elementary Education and Middle School English.  I have 6 classes with two full days in a classroom in Passaic. This means I have no life!  Or as my boyfriend says, “You have a life, just not the one you want.”  On top of this, I am a leader in my youth group, “The Bridge Youth Ministries”.  I am in charge of our Bridge Jr. Program at our Midtown Branch. Plus, I am Assistant vocal director for the Young Adult’s band for our church called “The Connection”.  Plus, I have a boyfriend and sometimes, I have friends.

Right now, I dealing with the major decisions of what I want to do.  I’m struggling financially and was denied unemployment.  I feel like I need a job because I’m barely making it babysitting one day a week.  I have been shirking some of my responsibilities as is with my school load on high.

Yes, I know. I’m almost there!

It’s just craziness in my head and I have been falling into slight depressions lately.  My one support has been my boyfriend because lately I’ve been slightly angered with God.

He’s been trying to deal with my trust issues, but of course I’m having trouble.  Being in financial distress doesn’t help my trust.

Yet, I shall not stress for the next couple of days due to the National Youth Workers convention in Pittsburgh.  I’m taking this convention for me this year.  Last year was business.  This year is personal.

I will try and update while I’m there.

Tata for now!

I think I’ve hit a whole new level… May 21, 2008

So I know I have not been on  a whole lot with school and everything finally coming to a close, but while I was looking through my email, I got an alert.  This alert was about a new comment on my first blog called “Thoughts on AshleyMadison.com”.  Now the comment is an interesting one.  It made me laugh.

The commentor calls themselves “God”, but I don’t think God would ever say the things that were said.

You can check my top posts and see the comment for yourself.

I just think that my website has hit a whole new level if it is creating this much controversy.  LOL!

Just a thought…… March 27, 2008

my heart has never been broken.

sure, it`s been stepped on, even stomped on ocassionally.

it`s been smacked around a little.

ripped in a few places, torn in a lot.

there`s even a few claw marks and a few bits missing.

it`s slightly lopsided and very fragile looking, with all the bruises and initials carved in like an old school desk

it`s a little bit squished and it hurts sometimes, but it`s beautiful.

and no one can ever break that. <3

Here I am… March 23, 2008

Broken.

I feel it. I feel it in my heart at times and in my soul.

The retreat was about brokenness and restoration. I don’t know how much it helped me. I know God heals all wounds, but right now I see pieces of me scattered on the ground. I’ve always had issues with being broken. I guess that everyone does, but I can relate with protecting my brokenness.

I still put up walls around the pain and put a new band aid over the wound. I can’t heal, but just try to numb myself.

I want to get away from this pattern, but it hurts me. I want to get out of this vicious circle that separates me from everyone else.

I want to be open, but every time I taste freedom, I feel my wings clipped and I hit the ground. Hard.

I don’t want to be hurt again, but I don’t want to be alone.