Thoughts on Ministry/Callings/Worship November 16, 2009

An phone conversation with my best friend is the spark of this blog entry.  Since I am trying to get back into blogging again, I decided to tackle this lovely issue.  It really isn’t a issue for many, but it is something she has caused me to consider.

I have been in and out of our church’s ministry for awhile now.  I started helping in our youth group in 2004 and rose the ranks of leader. I have always loved music and when we began our youth church, I went into the worship team.  It had always been an awesome place and time for me.  It was the thing that brought me and my fiance together.  Thursday nights was practice and was always the highlight of my week.  I transitioned from youth church band to young adult church band.  I even became the assistant vocal director.  This was my favorite position in ministry and a position I took very seriously.  Eventually, I had to step down due to my increased school work load.  I was seeing that it was impossible to do it all and needed to scale back.

I must admit, that I have always been headstrong and very outspoken in our group.  It had caused me to butt heads with the vocal and band director a couple of times.  I know there is a entry or two that has been about these times.  After stepping down, it was very hard to get into the rhythm of things.  I felt very excluded and hurt by actions of those in the group.  I eventually stopped going and have been embittered by things that have happened.  It took some time to cope and get back to level ground, but there is somethings that will never be the same.

So, to back track slightly, my best friend was telling me about how the young adult band has begun to audition people who are interested in joining. She makes a point of saying, “Just in case you wanted to go back.” My response is automatically, “No.” It’s said in the flattest of tones. She asks, “why?” I feel that this avenue is closed to me at this point in my life.  Not only this ministry, but ministry in general.  Technically, I can’t go into ministry if I wanted to, but the point is I don’t want to.

People have said that I am needed back, but I don’t think so.  I am not needed like I once was.  I don’t feel the pull like I once had either.  Some may call this pull God’s calling on my life, but I don’t feel that. It’s very tough to explain and understand because as I say this, I know one thing. I know that when I sit in the young adult service and look up at the stage, something in my heart hurts. So as I say that I don’t feel the need/ the call/ the pull, I also can say that my heart breaks while I am not on that stage singing until my lungs are gasping for air. So the big question is, what am I feeling?

Every person has some great plan for their life.  I have always known this fact.  I have always known that God calls people into his service and uses their gifts.  I don’t know how I fit into that.  I don’t know really what else to say. If I am to go back to this thing called ministry, I must then get over myself and just do it.  Yet, I know I can’t physically and emotionally do that.  ARG, I am just further frustrating myself with this mindset.  I am ending this now.

Humility and Punishment May 5, 2009

I feel like I have to get this out here and now.  It may not make sense and it may be jumbled, misspelled, and incorrect.  I am going to get this out onto this page and close the laptop.

I am very strong willed and head strong.  I know this.  I make decisions and I live with the consequences because that is how life goes.  I try to do whatis right, but at times my flaws get in the way of me acting in an appropriate manner.  I know that I am flawed.

The hardest thing for me is to bite my tongue and tone down.  This is especially hard when I feel wronged in some way, shape, or form.  I am a lion, hear me roar.  This is my defensive side.   This is my life of hard knocks outer shell that I have not completely let go off.

So, this side has gotten me into trouble many times.  Let’s say I have not conquered this deficiency.

Now and always, I feel the punishment and the seemingly condemnation from those around me who are interacting with this side.  This is not the true me and very few see the softer golden retreiver part.  So I am suffering.  The one thing in life that has always beeen there for me is being taken away.  Part of my purpose in life is being taken away.  I cannot do what has been ingrained in my DNA by the one who loves me so.  I can’t.

It is my fault and my flaws, but I feel that I am getting tired of explaining myself to people.  Why can’t I be accepted and understood for who I am.  I don’t want to talk and I shouldn’t be punished because I do not fit into who you want or think I am.  I just feel farther pushed away by you who say to confide.  I am not your friend or anyones it seems.

My inner agony has taken over and I feel more and more alone in places of fellowship.  I have never needed people, but a part of me still yearns for the contact.  I am angry and hurt.  I do not forget.

Maybe I’ll never be home.

Purpose December 5, 2008

It is finally Friday!

I am exhausted.  This was my first full week of teaching.  I loved it, but it was tiring. Last night I finally got a full night of sleep and I’m feeling pretty well today.

Yesterday was my last observation and I got all my paperwork (my review) for this semester. I did really well.  My supervisor told me that I have a natural ability to teach and I am so glad.

In the beginning of the semster, I had some doubts and was really freaking myself out.  My final year and now I begin to doubt the last three years of college education? I came into college knowing that at the end, I would be a teacher. Since I knew I only had until May 2009 to accomplish this goal, I’ve been going full steam ahead. Nothing has stopped me from getting to this point.  Yet, I began to doubt and stress so much this year.

If anything this semester has taught me is that I love this job.  I love being in front of the classroom and thinking of fun activities where students barely realize that they are learning.  I love being creative. I love the kids! Every job I’ve had has been with kids and helping them learn.  I guess this has been my life’s goal.

This is my purpose.  This is the one place in the universe where I belong and flourish.  I want to challenge you.  Where do you flourish?  What is that one thing that people are like, “Wow, you’re a natural!”  It’s probably right there in front of you.  Ask people and they can tell you what they see you are good at and what makes you alive.

find it…

Messy Spirituality November 26, 2008

“He also learned that sometimes the Holy Spirit asks us to violate our conviction for a season in order to live the faith, not just talk about it.”

-Mike Yaconelli Messy Spirituality

I picked up this book at NYWC because we did a series based on this book at The Connection. I have been going through a rough time lately and I remembered that I had liked this series of teaching.  I really was interested in what this book may hold for me.

It was something I needed.  I always feel like a failure when it comes to being a christian.  I’m always failing and am not able to be “spiritual” and read my bible and pray everyday like I’m supposed to.  It sucks and has gotten me down.  It always gets me down because I have been struggling and trying to get closer to God through this time, yet I still am not able to take the time to read the bible, meditate, and pray.  I remember a time where I felt so close to God and had no doubts in his hand in my life. Now, I can barely see my next step.

This book gave me some hope.  Spirituality is more than reading your bible and is more than what I have been told.  Spiritual growth and the whole life I’ve been told to live, may not be the correct way.  The book seemed to be a contradiction to what I’ve always been told and I like it.  The ideas of how Christianity is, makes me feel that I am doing something right and that I am not a failure.

This quote really got me.  Many of the things said were awesome, but this one cause me to stop reading and really pause.  What does it mean?  What kind of idea is this?

I really haven’t wrapped my whole mind around it, but I can tell you some of my thoughts.  It is a very interesting idea.  Christianity is always about being courageous and never backing down on our stands/beliefs.  How many of us know someone who will never violate their beliefs or ideas for anyone?  How many have shunned people because they have done things wrong?

I think this question is what draws me to this quote.  I have been seeing some of my “friends” exclude people who had left our church, but are trying to come back.  It has made me so upset to see this type of exclusion and, in my opinion, unGodly behavior.  Christ was all about love and forgiveness.  How many times did Christ have prostitutes, thieves, etc. following him and spreading the good news?  How many were following him and working in his “ministry” and in his “service”?  Yet, we have the gall to say no to people who truly desire to work in God’s service because of some things in their past. Are we better than Jesus? Can we truly be so picky? We were sinners and then forgiven.  What gives us the right to judge? Nothing does.

Another thing is, where is the love?  I think that that is also something that is important about this quote. Should I do almost everything in my power to make  someone feel more comfortable with me and more accepted which therefore makes them feel love? The answer is yes. Yet, sometimes I feel that people are so ready to judge and make people feel uncomfortable.

It is only for a season.  It’s not permanent. If it has someone come to Christ and see God’s love through me, then I know I should do it.

The Big Question November 8, 2008

So I’ve been promising that I would answer that big question: “Am I depending on God or just believing in him?”

I decided to try and tackle this question on Monday and here it is Saturday and I’m finally posting what little I had tackled.

One of the big reasons for taking my time with this question is because the answer is quite simple: I am just believing in him. I am not depending on him, but on myself.  I only believe that he will open doors for me to do what I have to do.  It’s not God doing something for me, it’s more like him providing me a way. So instead of the emphasis on me. It’s kind of crazy, but I’m trying to diminish God’s role in my life.  I’m putting myself in his spot of glory.  Instead of saying, “God did it”, I say “I did it.”

Yes and as much as I want to say that this is wrong, it is not.  Let’s dig deeper.  I know you want to hear more.  The reason for my not depending is…I have major trust issues.  BUt that’s not it ladies and gentlemen, I have issues with humility.

And I don’t know if this makes sense, but it’s really hard for me to admit.  It seems fitting that I’m deciding to share this when I’ve been getting tons of traffic.

So where was has the girl with faith in her creator and greatest friend? I don’t know.  I miss her.

A Conclusion to NYWC Pittsburgh 2008 November 5, 2008

I stopped taking notes and attending seminars after my last post.  I decided I had recieved so mmuch, that I was going to coast through the rest.  I needed to relax before I came back.

Here I am sitting at a computer in Passaic School 11 and I’m back to my life.  I really needed that time to just relax and get to know the peopl I work side by side with in ministry.

Some concluding thoughts:

• The rest and fellowship was awesome and much needed.
• I need to address the cracks that have resulted from eating the fruit.  I need to spread a gospel that will make people whole.
• I can’t concentrate on everyone who walks in the door, but I need to make disciples of who are willing to drop everything to follow Christ.
• I have to evaluate myself and figure out: “Am I depending on God or just believing in him?”
• Kids who cut or are involved in other damaging behaviors are trying to deal with their pain and care for themselves in the only way they know how to.

Just some random thoughts that came to mind right away.  I couldn’t just leave this hanging.

I am definitely going to blog on that question some day soon.

NYWC 11/1/08 November 2, 2008

Interesting classes I have taken:

• Talking about the Gospel as More than Penal Substitution
• What make you and Others Tick: Finding God in our Messy Lives
• Healing and Hope for Kids who Cut

Talking about the Gospel as More than Penal Substitution: This class containe tons of useful information and Scot McKNight was a funny man.  The only downside was that he spoke in seminary lingo.  He usually explained what he meant but it threw me off to begin with. He said we have four issues we need to deal with: What is the Gospel?, How we make people respond to the Gospel and Salvation?, The problems that are resolved by the Gospel, and making a robust Gospel for Robust problems.  Scot does not believe in shrinking the gospel into 3 or 4 points because the gospel isn’t simple, but complex.  Yet, he gave us 3 nice little 4 point lists.  The net part talked about the fall of man and our becoming cracked icons or cracked reflections of our maker.  The four problems of man that must be addressed by the gospel is: the shame of self, fear of God, alienation and blame between ourselves, and alienation from the world we exist in.  These problems come from our eating the fruit and being deceived by the serpent. The only way that we can address these cracks is to make sure that wha twe tell people is the whole story.  Most of the time we make the Gospel as Jesus taking the punishment that we deserved, but we have to create a Gospel that is more.

General Session 3-Francis Chen: He really pushed my buttons and challeneged me.  It especially talked to me because of the place I feel Bridge Midtown is at now.  It seems we have been stuck in a slump and haven’t gotten any kids to come.  Some nights it was only the leadership team and it has been hard. Every night at the diner, other people are reporting back there numbers and they were so much bigger than what we had.  I wanted that.  It has been a struggle to try and be happy with the kid we have gotten to stay and become regulars.  The biggest thought: “Jesus saw a big crowd and was skeptical.  He didn’t want followers, he wanted disciples.  Followers weren’t useful for anything.  They would ruin his crap.” (My own stringing of thoughts not Francis Chen’s).

What Makes you and Others Tick?: Was quite upset when I walked in and saw that the slides said it was on prayer.  I did not want to go to a seminar on prayer.  I wanted stuff on personality.  He did speak on it and after that I left.  He said there were three type of people: Head centered, Heart centered, and Gut Centered.  Head centered people are more introverted and their looking at the world without a lot of engagement.  Most of their interactions are made within their own heads.  Their is tons of things that are going on inside of them. Their central question: “What’s going on here?”  They experience God outside of themselves and this is where God can talk to them. Heart centered people are extroverts and they have a huge social world. They like to interact and their central question is: “Will they like me?” They experience God inside of them because their outer world is so packed. Gut centered people are, what we can call, omniverts.  They are a balance of both worlds.  Their central question is: “Dos my inner world make sense with my outer world?”  They have been known to say: “”Here I am. Deal with me.” They experience God in and out. After getting this information, I left.

Healing and Hope for Kids who Cut: Surprisingly when I entered this seminar, it had just begun.  I didn’t miss any of it.  The most important thing to know is that cutting or self-injury is self-caring. These kids are dealing with pain the only way they can.  Self-injuring is a way to ese inner tension from emotions that seem uncontrollable, to escape from emptiness and depression, realizing anger, maintainng a sense of security and uniqueness, obtaining a sense of euphoria, esccaping numbness, preventing suicide, expressing emotional pain, commnicating inner turmil and need for help, validating their emotional pain, expressing/repressing sexuality, continuing abusive patterns, obtaining biochemial relief, and preventing something worse.  The most common behaviors are; cutting, burning, and head-banging.  Other forms are: branding, hair pulling, biting, carving, scratching, abrasions (example: draggin knuckles along a brick wall), hitting, bruising, interferring with natural healing (picking scabs). They do not stop because it’s thier decision and doesn’t affect anyone else, it’s their body and they can do what they want, it’s a way to show their pain, their scars help them manage, giving it up will cause more pain, pushes people away, they deserve to be punished, and if they stop, they will end up killing themselves. It’s a cycle of addiciton for them.  It’s a way for them to get from the negative area of emotion into the positive, but it follows the law of diminishing return which means as they continue, they will not get the same high they one got until it gets to the point they can’t even get into the positive anymore.  We have to respong with affirmation, alistening ear, offering our presence, acceptance, and speaking of Hope.  Some practical suggestions are: life a life worthy of trust, listen deeply/actively/non-judgementally, be available (not frantic), do NOT condemn, be medicall objective, read all you can, refer to a qualified therapist, and become acquainted with organizations for self-injurers like S.A.F.E and To Write Love on Her Arms.

General Sesson 4: Phyllis Tickle spoke. It was very informative about the history of the church.  It is very interesting to hear where we came from, but I get slightly board.  I could not fit myself into any of her four quadrants and realized my church is emerging! lol.

I hope this format is more helpful.  I know last post was a little jumbled.  I know there are others with better notes.  My friend Janelle’s blog is very good.  It’s at janellepainter.com/blog.

I can’t wait for what’s in store next!

NYWC Day One and Two (10/30-10/31) October 31, 2008

Technically, NYWC didn’t start until about 6 pm when I walked into my critical concern class. When we woke up at 10 am, it was to get ready for our first official meal in Pittsburgh.

We ended up at “Steel City Diner”.  Being from New Jersey, I was appalled that this diner was only from 7am to 3pm.  Anyway, the place was pretty nice.  It was a little small, but had the counter space and booth that is customary.  The booths were a little small and this place wasn’t really equipped to handle a group our size.  I had a gyro omelette, it was very good.  Yet, this place has the best french toast imaginable.

Afterwards, we went around Pittsburgh and visited the Monongahela Incline.  This was really cool and was like a cable car that goes up this very steep hill to the top.  At the top, you can see all of Pittsburgh and the different bridges that cross the river.  I took a lovely panorama with my camera.

Finally, we end up at the Convention hall to sign in.  I had my critical concern class which was “Leading From the Pages of your Life” by Dan Webster.  This was my first time interacting with Dan and didn’t know what I was getting into when I signed up for this seminar.  He said that a good leader is able to look over our own hearts before we try to lead others. He had us look at our life for the last twelve months and pick 10-15 events that have affected us.  We had to share these events with others who we haven’t met before.  It was really hard for me to be able to do this.  I will be the first to tell you that I have trust issues.  Yet, this was very helpful.  I got asked a very important question based on these last 12 months. “Am I believing in God or depending on him?”

The second part of the seminar was just as good.  We had to talk in our groups again, but it was about our passions and aligning our life to them.  It is really helpful to be able to see that God has given us an ambition and want and that our purpose is dependent on us realizing it.  Th whole fact that our life will fight against us if we are not moving towards this want.

The first General Session was good.  Starfield was awesome at worship.  I especially liked the bridge of “The Stand”.  The speaker was Mike Pilavachi and sadly I had already heard this message before like two years ago.  Slight difference, but basically the same.

I skipped the next seminars and took some time to visit the YS store.  It is ridiculous.  I am officially $130 poorer than when I arrived.

The exhibit hall is nice and I love the people.  People are so nice except when I tell them that I am from New Jersey.  One guy said, “Oh your from New Jersey.  I try to think about New Jersey like South Jeresey because that is the beautiful part of Jersey.  The Northern part isn’t nice.  What part are you from?” “I’m from the Northern part.”  Not a good tactic if your trying to persuade me to use your service.

I can’t wait for later.  I get to meet some twitter friends.  It is very funny to meet these people who you know over this wonderful service.  Twitter certainly makes the world smaller.

Hopefully, I can later reflect on that question.  It has really been on my mind.  I know that I’m probably leaning more towards the belief over dependence, but I will blog this later.

Talk to you later.

Reflections… May 6, 2008

I’m sitting in the library auditorium and instead of listening to the professor or even being productive by writing a paper, I decided to update.

I’m going to try not to talk about my stresses or anything not happy or purely reflective. I will try, but I make no guarantee.

I’ve been trying to take a step in the right direction. I’ve been trying to eat healthier and exercise. I have been off and on with it. The first week I was very diligent and lost two pounds, but have fallen off that wagon. Life has taken over. Things have come up on the times I had specifically set for the gym and I’ve have done those instead of being true to my original intentions. I’ve felt bad when I haven’t gone, but nonetheless, I have skipped.

I want to loose weight and be thin again. Phil has been awesome with me and my issues. He has been really sweet saying that I’m beautiful and perfect the way I am. He is really great, but that doesn’t help with my doubts and general dislike of myself.

I’ve been having some sort of fun between the hecticness of my life. It’s a little strange, but I’ve been having the most fun when I have been irresponsible. Ditching the gym and work for fun with friends and just some me time.

They always say to live life for the moment. It sometimes seems that living for the moment means ditching schedules and responsibility sometimes. I’m 20 years old and I feel that if I didn’t have my scheduler or my To Do list, I would be lost. That’s not living for the moment and seems like a waste of this precious gift that God has given. So yes, I do procrastinate and stress myself out over projects that are left for the last minute, but I’m enjoying my life by using my time for more important things. Instead of spending 20 hours on projects/papers, I spend maybe 5 or less. That difference is spent laughing, loving, and enjoying time with friends and the people I love. God has blessed me and I want to spend time enjoying those blessings, not taking time to do work that only lasts for a couple of months.

I know things will get better as soon as school is over. There will be more time with no school.

Waiting for my life not to be scheduled and responsible.

Just a thought…… March 27, 2008

my heart has never been broken.

sure, it`s been stepped on, even stomped on ocassionally.

it`s been smacked around a little.

ripped in a few places, torn in a lot.

there`s even a few claw marks and a few bits missing.

it`s slightly lopsided and very fragile looking, with all the bruises and initials carved in like an old school desk

it`s a little bit squished and it hurts sometimes, but it`s beautiful.

and no one can ever break that. <3