If you search “Disney Princess” on Google images, you will receive hits of Jasmine, Cinderella, Ariel, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, and Belle. They are all dressed in their nice dresses, well except for Ariel, and scream princess. Belle is dressed in a gorgeous gold ball gown and gold gloves. Hair nicely done with a golden accent. She is the epitome of princess in these images, yet she only wears this gown in one point of the movie.  For the most part, she is wearing her everyday plain blue dress with her hair in a ponytail. Not the princess then but an ordinary girl who took care of her father and had big dreams.

This is a major point I want to make is that essentially Belle is a normal person with a strong character. She lives in a little town but wants more than that.  She craves an adventure outside of her norm, but that doesn’t make her forget her responsibilities.  Her father needs her since he is busy with his “job” as an inventor. She supports the ones who are important to her and stands up for them when the world wants to beat them down. When it comes to settling down and getting married, which she is expected to do, she decides no even though the “greatest guy in town” proposes to her. She knows what she wants and won’t compromise that for anyone.  She sacrifices her freedom for her father’s freedom with a strength not many people in real life would have. Though she has an opportunity to escape from her captor when he is injured and hurt, she chooses to help him. She looks into the heart of her captor instead of his looks and sees that he has a beautiful heart. She finds love, but she is the one who saves her prince. Aren’t these all characteristics we hope to attain?

When it comes to female heroes, I feel women aren’t given true figures to look up to. I am not a feminist, but I do believe we need to look up to the right kind of characters. I feel like we need to have role models that push qualities that will make us better.  Though I love fairytales, I feel like they do not give girls the right type of role models. Cinderella is abused by her step mother and was stuck a horrible situation. She doesn’t take her freedom into her own hands but depends on some magic and a guy to rescue her. Sleeping Beauty spends most of the story asleep until her prince awakens her to life again. Lets break away from the fairytales and get to a more recent story, Twilight. I am a Twilight hater because of Bella.  She is obsessed with this guy who becomes her whole life.  All of Book 2 is her lamenting his loss. What kind of role model is this for our girls? Do we want to teach them that they need to be rescued or completed by a guy?

So I think this is why I love Belle and her whole story.  She is someone I can relate to and look up to. She is a strong person and I would love to be the hero in my story like she was in hers.

We see commercials on TV that plead with you to help those who are in need.  People who are starving, diseased, or being abused.  They beg the question, aren’t they worth something and ask you to personally attach how much money you think they are worth. I sponsor a child in Brazil through Compassion International.  Though they don’t say it, the question stands: Do you think this child is worth $38 a month to help?

Subconsciously, we are constantly questioning the worth of people in our own lives.  Is she really worth my time? Do I value his opinion enough to bring up this topic? Should I invest myself into this person? Is it worth the risk to let them into my life? Sometimes, we even give someone a start value and then they start loosing it. They fall in our eyes.

Yet, I know that the worth of someone in our lives are dependent on how much we value ourselves. Our self worth plays into what we are willing to do for other people.  My perspective is purely female, but I am sure that it goes both ways.  I see relationships where girls are treated like shit but they think its ok because they don’t have much value in themselves.  They settle.  Sometimes, females will go above and beyond for a significant other when they would never put that much effort in return.

I recently read a blog where it talked about relationships as a business.  Though I don’t believe you should do things in your relationships for what you get in return, I do believe that self worth plays a major role. Both people should understand what they are worth and deserve accordingly.  Why should you stay with someone who doesn’t understand who you are? If they think so lowly of you, is there a reason to be with them?

I am not only talking about romantic relationships, but also friendships.  Friendships should be based on mutual respect and understanding.  I personally believe that if I can’t give or be 100% me with you, then you probably are not worth my time.  Strong statement.  Though I waver in my confidence at times, I have a good grasp of who I am.  I am loud and outspoken.  I am as subtle as a freight train.  I can be bawdy as well as shy.  I love to laugh and make fun of myself as well as you, but not in a mean way. I get argumentative at moments but also a caring, loving person.  I would do anything to help a friend in need.  I am a living contradiction at times with a lot of rough edges that I feel only a special few have come to deal with. If one of these aspects is not your cup of tea, then I don’t know if I can be around you.  I am who I am and don’t want to change my personality to suit you.

Knowing your worth is important. You don’t need people trying to steal your worth and depreciate your value. Find and keep people around you who also understand it. You can build each other’s value up and become the best person you can be.

Lately my confidence has been waning. I second guess myself and am filled with doubt on the simplest things. Whether I am deciding to send a text or deciding to like a status, I find myself not following through with my first instinct.  It is true and though I don’t want to admit it, I will say that I am being a total wimp about life.  I have no problem with saying the things that everyone is thinking. You know you have probably been in similar situations once or twice.  Yet, this lack of confidence is really unnerving for me.

I must admit that I have not always been very confident in myself. Growing up, I found myself to be awkward.  I still am awkward but the major difference is that I have become okay with it. It is who I am. I feel like I am confident in my awkwardness to the point that I dive into the weirdest situations and somehow make do. Dancing and social situations are prime examples of this phenomenon. I get completely uncomfortable when I just start dancing or am introduced into a social situation that I am not used to (Dancing in a new group can be a deadly combo of the two!). Usually, I will squirm for a good bit of time until I just let loose and own the awkwardness. This is my dilemma…I am not owning my awkwardness anymore and am letting it overpower me.

Restlessness can be a major factor in this but I feel my whole emotional well being is causing this fatal shift in my life. I am…*gasp*…acting like a girl.  I know. Aren’t you a girl? Yes I am, but I hate owning up to the emotional factor in the girl formula.  I love to admit being a girl when I am missing out on knowledge of sports or cars but I would rather get ran over by a bus full of basketball players then admit that I am an emotional female. One overriding emotion that contributes to this awkwardness if fear. Everyone can relate to this idea, but with my fear comes this deep feeling of loneliness. As a normal estrogen pumped woman, I want to react with water works. As Samantha Costanza, I react in my own way by bottling it up and pushing past those emotions.  Hence why I am here at my computer. I guess I have come to the point where I have to stop bull shitting myself and say my confidence is lacking due to my emotions.

Its crazy to think that I am at this point due to emotions but its really not that mind blowing.  My lack of address to my feelings have caused me to not know myself and therefore not really be sure of anything.  Wasn’t there a famous guy who said you needed to know yourself in order to know anything in this life? Hmmm….seems like a solid concept that I probably should put into practice.

I don’t really have a solution but I know for me to feel normal (or my type of normal) that I will need to face these fears of mine.  These things I feel will not get the better of me…today at least.

One overriding thought in my daily life (at least lately) has been adventure.  I am feeling restless which is never a good sign when you are me. Restlessness in my life causes me to do some crazy things. In past moments of recklessness, I have cut, dyed my whole head or highlighted my hair. I have also tattooed and pierced my body. Restlessness has also resulted in my taking a drive to random locations as well as booking trips to visit family or just new places. My most infamous restless moment resulted in my move to Dubai for 10 months. I think as soon as I say I am restless, my friends and family begin to worry.

I think the idea of adventure defines our lives.  I can’t stand to be bored and want to be defined by something more than going to work, taking care of my home, and then sleep. I went into teaching because of the fact that everyday presents it own new and unique challenge. Puberty, dating, social interactions, and just plain “being a teenager” makes sure that my life as a 7th grade English teacher is never boring. I love teaching but for some reason I am still restless.

I prescribe to the idea of “living life to the fullest” and “not taking any moment for granted”. As an adult, it seems like life becomes too full of obligations and responsibilities that we tend to forget these concepts. We push down the feelings of restlessness and find quick fixes. “What can I try for a little so I feel like I am breaking out of the normal routine?” Sometimes, that event is even enough to make them feel completely better and was the type of adventure they needed. My choices, as of late, have not quenched this immense feeling of restlessness.

So my question is, how am I going to resolve this feeling of restlessness? I have been trying to add some randomness to my life but there seems to be something missing. My soul seems unhappy still.  Do I just have to be happy with what I have got? I have been trying to just push through this feeling of restlessness as the winter blues.

So I recently watched the movie We Bought a Zoo and it has only helped to bring my adventuring spirit back to the surface. I wish I could do something that reckless at this moment. This quote has captured my attention.  How many moments in my life have resulted from 20 seconds of insane courage? Going to Dubai was definitely insane and though it took more than 20 seconds to decide, the email with my reply of “yes” was a quick one to write. Thinking “What is the worse that can happen?” and doing it anyway has resulted in new friendships and experiences that will not quickly be forgotten. So how can I bring this idea back and cure my restlessness?

I don’t have an answer to this question as of yet.  Waiting for the opportunity to bite me in the butt. While I wait for that reckless moment to appear, I am still going to jump at little opportunities to try country line dancing and Ethiopian food. I will sign up for that singing class and maybe do a little more writing. My friends and family are probably going to pray that my restlessness does not lead me to another country, but I can’t reassure them that it is not completely off the table yet.

“True, he wounds, but he also dresses the wounds; the same hand that hurts you, heals you.”

I was looking at my legs today.  For some reason, my legs have been breaking out so badly. I have been getting such big infected bumps on my legs.  The heat? The change in weather? I don’t know.

So I was looking at my legs and the newest ones are now healing, but I now have splotches all over my legs. Tan legs with white splotches. These are my scars from the epidemic that has been sprouting on my legs.

I was so mad. My lovely and perfect legs were marred by countless scars.  Not only recent ones, but many other scars from many other times.  The ones on my knees from my glorious rollerblading days when I was younger. The scars on my shins from falling up the Dwyer steps trying to get to sound check on time.  Scars on my back from pimples scratched during stressful times. The scar from that huge painful thing on the side of my knee that Joellie said could be a staff infection.  So many scars…

And then that is when I feel that little voice speaking into my heart.  It speaks the thruth into my soul and reveals a new truth.  I feel it telling my that these scars are only physical scars. These things that were healing were going to leave a mark on me that might not fade anytime soon.

I am a mess of scars on the outside, but I also carry many scars on the inside.

The pain is going away.  The bleeding has stopped. The scab is peeling and soon the redness will be gone.  The only trace will be the scar. I will forget soon the pain and aggravation. I will forget the tears, but the mark will be carried for awhile.

I will be carrying this past years scar for awhile, but the wound will be healed.  There will be no more tears and no more pain. Just a scar.

God took it away from me. He ripped it out of me, root and all.  He tore my misguided dreams and plans from my being as well as my misplaced hope.  The large gaping wound was left, but then he bandaged it.  He cauterized and balmed.  He dressed and caressed. He made me whole again and showed me the scar.

The scar is my brand. The scar is my new beginning. I am not to be ashamed of it but to wear it proudly.  It is my testimony to the world.  He brought me through the darkness into the light.  I am not to be ashamed.  This story is for his glory. I could have been trampled, but I survived. Circumstances could have been my life but I overcame.

How he loves me so. All of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by his glory.

This scar is his mark of love for me, He couldn’t see me in that life anymore. He had to hurt me to save me.  He had to take all of I wanted away to give me what was best.

We are never the same when we encounter the love of God.

Last year, I was going through a real rough time.  Broken engagement and wedding with culminating in breaking off the relationship with the guy in question.  No job opportunities in site.  I had nothing really left at that point but to cling to God and hope, pray, and cry that something good was about to happen to me. One morning, I found this verse:

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.“    Jeremiah 29:11

If you have been going through a rough time in your life and are a church person, then I could put money down and say that you have heard this verse before at that moment.  In all honesty, this was the first time I have ever really heard this verse. Very uplifting in a moment when you have no idea what is going to happen in your life. I clung to this verse. I was 23 years old and this was my first encounter with this promise. I talked to friends and they all told me they loved that verse. Good things did happen within a short period of time after finding this verse and I realized I could believe in this promise. Though I was late in discovering this idea, it was still true. Felt a little slow with this discovery but I caught up.

Recently, I looked up this verse again.  I remember the first time I tripped over this verse. I actually felt a little proud of myself because I went looking for this verse due to the current circumstances in my life.  I was like “Yay. I am an adequate Christian. I am able to find something in the bible to benefit myself in my failings.” OK, not actual thought but close enough. Yet, I didn’t stop at the period and continued reading further:

“Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.” Jeremiah 12-14

Have you ever had those moments when you think you have figured it all out only to find out that you have more to learn? Yeah, that’s what happened to me when I got to this verse. After a tumultuous summer, I got a job out of the country and quickly followed God to where I thought he wanted me. Here I was moving 7,000 miles away to a place where I knew no one. It was an interesting year, but there are a few things that stick out. In that time away, I sought God and found him in a way I had never experienced before. I learned 3 important things in that time. I learned I was a strong warrior, that I needed to trust, and he wanted me to be front and center in order to worship him.

Now I am home in another different but familiar place of uncertainty. Here I am happening upon this verse again but still learning about it. When I was away, I realized that it was probably my time to come home but I fought it.  I was at peace with that but then decided I was going to go “off path” and do things my way. I fought and prayed to stay, but only recently realized that I am meant to be here and this verse is the reason.

Its crazy to think that the bible was written so long ago by people who we have never met but for some reason has the ability to seem like it was written specifically for you. This verse is my life.  God had taken me out.  He had exiled me to the desert (literally) where I prayed and called on him.  I sought him with my whole heart and found him. When I found him, he put things in place for me to come home.  He was bringing me out of exile, but for some reason, I fought it.  I forget all that I had learned and most importantly, forget that he had a plan to prosper me further.

So here I am, a year later being schooled on an idea I had thought I had figured out.  Realizing I will never know it all and will always feel like I am discovering an idea that everyone should have known already. My measly 24 years is not enough and when I think I have gotten the edge, I will come to realize I don’t.  I have come to a new idea though, it’s ok not to know. We will always be growing and uncovering new truths whether we are 24 or 80. A verse will mean something new in different seasons and I will be ok with that. Whether I am repeating an idea you have already figured out or am helping you along, don’t feel bad.  We have all been there

Over the years, there have been those who’ve taught that if someone is suffering for any reason, they must be out of God’s will. Perhaps you’ve even fallen under that impression yourself. Something happens in life, something that produces suffering in a relational, vocational, financial, or even a physical sense. Does is mean you’re out of God’s will?

What does God’s Word say? Here, it actually tells us that there are those who are suffering according to the will of God! Let’s be clear about something, not all suffering is God’s will. Sometimes we suffer as a result of our own sin or the sin of another person, and it’s wrong to attribute it to God. But it’s just as wrong to say that it’s never God’s will that we suffer. Oftentimes it is.

But why? How can a good and loving God actually want us, the objects of His love, to suffer? Isn’t His goodness and our suffering a contradiction?

The fact of the matter is this: When it’s God’s will that we suffer, there’s always a good and greater purpose behind the immediate pain and discomfort. Maybe our suffering is what we need to draw close and stay close to Him while we’re here on planet earth. Perhaps our suffering is going to get the attention of someone who needs to see an example of the sufficiency of God’s grace amidst trials. Or maybe our suffering is the set-up for Him to do something miraculous.

Whatever the reason, we need to understand that suffering isn’t a signal that we’re not in the Lord’s will. In fact, sometimes it’s evidence that we are. And if we are, we need to take courage and comfort in the fact that our suffering isn’t in vain, but is actually accomplishing the will of our faithful Creator.

Something happens in life, something that produces suffering in a relational, vocational, financial, or even a physical sense. Does is mean you’re out of God’s will?

Think about it…

Taken from the Active Word Daily devotional written by Pastor Bob Coy

www.activeword.org

“God’s will be done in my life.”

“I want to do God’s will.”

Common phrases heard in the church today, but I wonder if many people understand. I have always associated the word “will” to be synonymous to “plan”. I craved God’s plan in my life, yes. I hope for God’s plan to come through in all situations, but is plan the correct word?

Plan always reminds me of chess. Very logical moves preconceived based on actions that may or may not happen. If this happens, then my next action will be this. Plans seem to be lacking emotion and adventure to me. Another idea is a to do list. If I am going according to plan, I can check the steps off my list and feel accomplished. Go to church: check. Help in the ministry: check. Pray for others to be saved: check. Be an example to others: check. Yet, something seems wrong with this idea. Can this really be his plan? When something ridiculous happens to us, is it God just checking something off his to do list of our life?

If you have ever seen “The Adjustment Bureau”, then you could see this idea vividly portrayed. The “adjusters” job was to make sure no one person got off plan that “The Chief” had already set in motion. They had these books that contained a “map” and they could see if someone was off the path or “off plan”. Matt Damon’s character goes off plan when he falls for a girl and decides he wants to be with her instead of running for a major government position. Many could correlate this movie to real life with God being “The Chief” and this plan being God’s will in our life. So if we are like Matt Damon and go “off plan”, is God unable to continue the check marks on our life to do list? Are we then going against his will?

Have you ever looked up the word will? I was not really caught up on the definition of the word but was caught on the synonyms. Synonyms for the word “will”: care, conviction, desire, determination, disposition, longing, passion, prerogative, purpose, resolution, volition, and want. This concept of “will” definitely is different from my original idea of what it appears to be. All these words emote more than just plan. When you think of the word desire, what do you picture? What about longing? Passion? Want?

This new idea really takes the idea of a plan to be more fluid, meaningful (at least to me), and a lot less one directional. God hasn’t thought of moves on a chess board or a to do list. Instead of God’s will for my life, I now see it as God’s desire for my life or God’s passion for my life. It takes it from being a one definite path to a more broad street. His desire for me can mean a stronger or patient me in the end. Instead of following only one set of steps, it seems to allow for more ways to get to that place. This means the world to me because I have a huge fear of messing up and failing. Yet, this new idea sets in motion that if for some reason I miss something, I won’t miss out on what he really wants for me His desire, his longing, his purpose, his want are still the same and so it still leave me the opportunity to get there. There really isn’t a real way to “mess up” as long as you are aiming at his “will”.

God does love us and his plan is to prosper us, not to harm us. We should all know that, but take out the word plan from you vocabulary. Go through scripture and where you see “will” substitute it for some of the synonyms above. See what difference it could make.

“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s longing is—his good, pleasing and perfect disposition.” Romans 12:2 [word "will" substituted with other synonyms in italics]

The sweaty bodies press in one me. I feel a heavy foot land crushingly on mine. I wince while dislodging my foot from under the other and continue moving forward. The crowd is loud andd the voices come to my ears in pieces.

“Lord, my brother…”

“My daughter…”

“My wife…”

“Master, my son…”

“…friend…”

“My cousin…”

All of these people have come on behalf of some ill-ridden person. For someone who cannot come on their own. Yet, I am here. I am here in the crazed mob after this one person we have all heard about. We have all heard the same rumors. The blind can see. The lame are dancing. The leper is welcomed back with his smooth complexion/ We have all heard and are now trying to receive the same for our loved ones, but I have come for myself. I have come to be healed and made whole.

For years, I have been in loss.  Hemorrhaging essential nutrients of life.  Money spent trying to be made whole again. Every avenue searched to stop the loss. Doctors called. All for nothing.  Everyday, I am left drained. I can feel it leaving my being as I am jostled from side to side by the gargantuan soul next to me. The hairs on his arm rub against my fragile body. I can feel it draining…

Everyday for years, my hope has left. It has dripped out of me from my finger and toes.  It has poured out of my chest with every new discovery that disappointed me further. My heart began to pump less and less with each revelation.

My soul seemingly shrunk like a raisin in the sun as dreams were deferred and my reality became a nightmare.  No strength to keep going as that seemed to be another piece of me being released into oblivion. I would go on with the daily routine barely a player in my own acts.  Day after day, I lost.  Day after day, hemorrhaging. I was becoming less and less me. I was becoming less and less of a whole person.

Realizing I am unsure if the crowd is bringing me to my desired outcome, I push my way towards a ledge that jjutted out from an adjacent building.  Pulling myself up, I begin to feel dizzy. My abandoning life force causes me to be lightheaded most of the time. I concentrate on my breathing and ever so slowly drag myself onto the ledge. I am vertical and am able to see over the crowd. I scan and see a group that seems to be the epicenter of this frenzy. Light headed for a different reason, my eyes find the answer to my prayers.

I had heard of him like everyone else had. There were the whispers in family gatherings about a man who goes against seemingly basic understanding. Challenges to the Pharisees spread like wildfire throughout our small village.  His miracles were well known and something inside me spoke when I would hear about him.

“Just touch him. Just grab the corner of his cloak. Just graze the outermost part of him and you will be healed. You will be restored. You will be made whole. You won’t be a remnant any longer. Just believe and go.”

This voice pushed me into my current situation. I leap forward in my own weak way and continue forward. Wedging into spaces between others from distant countries. I side step next to a haggard mother and a scarlet faced terror. I cover my ears as the terror scream continuously for comfort.  I somehow am so close. I see him through a gap in shoulders and I lurch through. His followers are trying to keep some space between him and the masses, but they are failing. I am so close, but the proximity has made moving exponentially harder. The heat. The smells of sweaty people. The pressure. The hemorrhaging. I begin to feel helpless and hopeless. I close my eyes and tears of utter despair roll down my face. The voice returns, “You are so close. Keep going. Your healing is at hand. Don’t be content. Push harder. Just one touch.”

My mind takes over the saying, “Just one touch. Just one touch and I will be whole again.” With renewed vigor, I move. Somehow space opens in a direct path towards him. I get within an inch of him. I stretch out my arm with my mantra playing in my head, “Just one touch. Just one touch.” As I get close, a rude hand makes contact with my back upsetting my balance and sending me to the ground.

Knees bruised. Hands scratched. I lift my chin and stare directly forward to see a clear space between the dusty legs of travelers to my savior, Jesus. I crawl forward and barely touch his garment with the pads of my fingers. The flow of loss stopped instantly when my fingers grazed his presence, but a whole new floodgate was opened.

Joy like a lightening bolt flashed through different parts of my body simultaneously. I lifted myself off the ground quickly, but without the well known feeling of dizziness that has accompanied that action for years. I lift my hands and face to the sun, laughing uncontrollably. Then, I noticed that the crowd had ceased moving.

He was searching. Jesus was searching and saying, “Someone has touched me. I felt some of my power leave me.” His eyes land on me for a long second before moving on. Guilt settles on my shoulders and I fall on my knees in front of him proclaiming my healing and my story. Confessing my wantings and how he has granted me what I needed. There isn’t a tear because there is no more pain and I can feel his smile as he says, “Daughter, you took a risk trusting me and now you’re healed and whole. Live well. Live blessed.”

And I did…

My hair is coifed, coiled, and creased. Every curl in place and every minute of time proven worth it. A masterpiece. Ruby lips. Kohl on eyes. Shadows to highlight and acknowledge the eyes are the windows. Look at them.

My clothes are pressed. The purples, the blue silk flowers in the field. Yet all of my work is for nothing. No one looks at me.  I am from the pit of thieves and the underground. I am the epitome of an outsider.

I slink in the comfortable shadows as the sun sets signaling the time. My heart beats quicker with the looks and gazes of dismay my way.

I am unwanted. I have done what I needed. Been used, abused. Always the girl who was a little out there. The girl who grew out of the eyes of the crowd. Learning what was wrong. Finding out what is disgusting. Discovering the dissension of a disease that dominates. The oil slick that dwells in the soul and taints the insides.

My shame is great. My outside a pretty wrapper on a foul package. A piece of candy that opened, maybe savored for a second, than spat to the dirt. Tossed out into the brown dust that is home. Dry dust with no rain that pours. Roads that are hard and broken. It s my next of kin. My sisters and brothers that know me better than the world.

I am rushing to someone I have never met.  Someone who is out of the dust and like a gleam of light. The jagged muscle that resides in my chest jumps and yearns for this man in a way unnatural to the dank mess of emotions that I am used to.  I am clasping an offering between my palms. Something sweet smelling unlike my life.  Smooth and white.  The opposite of me. An alabaster jar of perfume.

The open courtyard is full, but people cringe away from me. I make my way to the front a. I glance at him and my heart does not know whether to move faster or not at all.  Seated with he leaders of the ruling class.  He seems a king among the wretched masses to me.

I hear no words.  I sense no ther person in the area, but this man and I.  My shame is anew. My disgrace is on my mind. Replays of those late nights in the dark. Those nights of abuse.  Moments of anguish and despair.  The stages grew worse and the problem grew to this moment where I stood so close. So close.

Something in me screams to get closer. “Closer you idiot! You don’t have to be afraid.” My muscles tense in the knowledge that rejection maybe imminent, yet I can’t stop the urge.  One foot moves forward and something falls from my eye.  A tear.  My foot moves again and the steps become less tentative. The urgency is back.

He glances at me and a flood begins.  My unworthiness ringing in the ears of my being. I throw myself into the ground at his feet. Dust rises from my dropping body. It is settling on him! “I tainted him. I must undo this.” I place my head over his beautiful feet and allow the flood to rid the unholy dust from him. Compulsion rises and I kiss his feet.  This only helps more water to flow onto his feet and I know that the dirt will become clinging dragging mud.  I must get it off.  Each curl pulled from place, each painstaking pin is pulled as I rip my hir down to wipe his wondrous being clean. I hear gasps as the brown silk falls from my crown, past my shoulders to the ground.  With his feet dry, I begin to caress the feet again with my lips.

The alabaster jar is remembered and I pour the contents on his feet.  The judges are speaking but I hear none of their condemning words. The jagged rock begins to melt and unknown feelings rush out. Love. This is what it must feel like.

All of a sudden I look up and he is staring straight into my eyes. I want to look away. I want to turn because I know he can see all of me in this moment.  He smiles at me.  He is not cringing. He is not disgusted.  He is looking at me with that newly learned emotion, love.  He says, “You sins are forgiven. Your faith has saved you. Go in peace.” With those words, my pain is gone.  My disease is cured.  Everything is gone but he remains. I kiss his feet one last time.  I stand unashamed and walk into the light of a new day.