Thoughts on Ministry/Callings/Worship November 16, 2009

An phone conversation with my best friend is the spark of this blog entry.  Since I am trying to get back into blogging again, I decided to tackle this lovely issue.  It really isn’t a issue for many, but it is something she has caused me to consider.

I have been in and out of our church’s ministry for awhile now.  I started helping in our youth group in 2004 and rose the ranks of leader. I have always loved music and when we began our youth church, I went into the worship team.  It had always been an awesome place and time for me.  It was the thing that brought me and my fiance together.  Thursday nights was practice and was always the highlight of my week.  I transitioned from youth church band to young adult church band.  I even became the assistant vocal director.  This was my favorite position in ministry and a position I took very seriously.  Eventually, I had to step down due to my increased school work load.  I was seeing that it was impossible to do it all and needed to scale back.

I must admit, that I have always been headstrong and very outspoken in our group.  It had caused me to butt heads with the vocal and band director a couple of times.  I know there is a entry or two that has been about these times.  After stepping down, it was very hard to get into the rhythm of things.  I felt very excluded and hurt by actions of those in the group.  I eventually stopped going and have been embittered by things that have happened.  It took some time to cope and get back to level ground, but there is somethings that will never be the same.

So, to back track slightly, my best friend was telling me about how the young adult band has begun to audition people who are interested in joining. She makes a point of saying, “Just in case you wanted to go back.” My response is automatically, “No.” It’s said in the flattest of tones. She asks, “why?” I feel that this avenue is closed to me at this point in my life.  Not only this ministry, but ministry in general.  Technically, I can’t go into ministry if I wanted to, but the point is I don’t want to.

People have said that I am needed back, but I don’t think so.  I am not needed like I once was.  I don’t feel the pull like I once had either.  Some may call this pull God’s calling on my life, but I don’t feel that. It’s very tough to explain and understand because as I say this, I know one thing. I know that when I sit in the young adult service and look up at the stage, something in my heart hurts. So as I say that I don’t feel the need/ the call/ the pull, I also can say that my heart breaks while I am not on that stage singing until my lungs are gasping for air. So the big question is, what am I feeling?

Every person has some great plan for their life.  I have always known this fact.  I have always known that God calls people into his service and uses their gifts.  I don’t know how I fit into that.  I don’t know really what else to say. If I am to go back to this thing called ministry, I must then get over myself and just do it.  Yet, I know I can’t physically and emotionally do that.  ARG, I am just further frustrating myself with this mindset.  I am ending this now.

Messy Spirituality November 26, 2008

“He also learned that sometimes the Holy Spirit asks us to violate our conviction for a season in order to live the faith, not just talk about it.”

-Mike Yaconelli Messy Spirituality

I picked up this book at NYWC because we did a series based on this book at The Connection. I have been going through a rough time lately and I remembered that I had liked this series of teaching.  I really was interested in what this book may hold for me.

It was something I needed.  I always feel like a failure when it comes to being a christian.  I’m always failing and am not able to be “spiritual” and read my bible and pray everyday like I’m supposed to.  It sucks and has gotten me down.  It always gets me down because I have been struggling and trying to get closer to God through this time, yet I still am not able to take the time to read the bible, meditate, and pray.  I remember a time where I felt so close to God and had no doubts in his hand in my life. Now, I can barely see my next step.

This book gave me some hope.  Spirituality is more than reading your bible and is more than what I have been told.  Spiritual growth and the whole life I’ve been told to live, may not be the correct way.  The book seemed to be a contradiction to what I’ve always been told and I like it.  The ideas of how Christianity is, makes me feel that I am doing something right and that I am not a failure.

This quote really got me.  Many of the things said were awesome, but this one cause me to stop reading and really pause.  What does it mean?  What kind of idea is this?

I really haven’t wrapped my whole mind around it, but I can tell you some of my thoughts.  It is a very interesting idea.  Christianity is always about being courageous and never backing down on our stands/beliefs.  How many of us know someone who will never violate their beliefs or ideas for anyone?  How many have shunned people because they have done things wrong?

I think this question is what draws me to this quote.  I have been seeing some of my “friends” exclude people who had left our church, but are trying to come back.  It has made me so upset to see this type of exclusion and, in my opinion, unGodly behavior.  Christ was all about love and forgiveness.  How many times did Christ have prostitutes, thieves, etc. following him and spreading the good news?  How many were following him and working in his “ministry” and in his “service”?  Yet, we have the gall to say no to people who truly desire to work in God’s service because of some things in their past. Are we better than Jesus? Can we truly be so picky? We were sinners and then forgiven.  What gives us the right to judge? Nothing does.

Another thing is, where is the love?  I think that that is also something that is important about this quote. Should I do almost everything in my power to make  someone feel more comfortable with me and more accepted which therefore makes them feel love? The answer is yes. Yet, sometimes I feel that people are so ready to judge and make people feel uncomfortable.

It is only for a season.  It’s not permanent. If it has someone come to Christ and see God’s love through me, then I know I should do it.

Deteriorated-Installment 6 November 21, 2008

I know I haven’t updated in awhile.  The comment on the last post has been one reason why.  I didn’t know how to approach the blog after such a misundertsanding of what I was trying to express.  So I’ve decied to finally update my story.

Just as a side note, I’m going to submit my little bit for publishing.  It’s a big risk for me.  Pray that I don’t get murdered.

You need to pay…

I run past her because I do not want to speak to her.  I, Milagros Amanda Farias, do not want an exchange of words with Madeline.  She doesn’t notice of course.  She is busy pushing her way back into someone else’s life.  I have things to do.  I have to get onstage for worship.  I’m singing back up today.  We are supposed to be praying now.  I hope I haven’t missed it.
I run up the stairs and push the red curtain back and see the band in a circle.  I push my way into the circle by grabbing Elizabeth’s hand and Charles’ hand.  I try to concentrate while Charles seems to be playing with my hand.  He somehow gets his hand comfortable with his pinky hanging out, but while he was getting there, I had become very unfocused.
“Why is she here?”
“Why has she come back in our world?”
“What does she want?”
“What is her motive?”
“Why can’t she leave us alone?”
“Why can’t she disappear?”
While I contemplate these ideas, praying seems to wind down.  My thoughts are disturbed by an amen.  I have missed prayer.
It’s time to get on stage and as I walk to the mike, I sneak a peak at the crowd.  No way.  She’s sitting next to Edward.  That’s my seat. As his girlfriend, my place is beside him. She doesn’t belong there.
As I sing, I cannot help but watch.  Watch her give him a hug.  Watch her whispering to him.  Watch her giggle at his reply.  I am angry, yet I keep on the calm cool demeanor of worship.  Inside, I’m twisting.  I feel something boiling to the surface.  Right now, I hold it down.  Just for now…
Another amen and I have been distracted again.  Worship time is over.  I walk offstage, to the back door, around, and then back behind the audience.  I find a seat in the closest to the sound board.  I sit in the semidarkness and let loose my thoughts.  Now, I’m watching them from the back.  Watching her whisper in his ear.  The ear that I should be whispering in.  I see her shift in my chair.  My seat.
Why is she here?  She left us.  She chose her path and it wasn’t to our door.  She chose to dabble and experiment.  She chose new friends.  I was abandoned.  I mean, she abandoned us.  Yet, she’s here now.  In my spot, by his side. In my place.
I hear an amen and I know that I have missed the message.  The pastor has been at the front talking for a half hour and I cannot recall any of it.  I sit with my head in my hands.  What have I done?  Everyone is standing up to leave.  A paper falls into my lap and I see Pastor Ken walk past.
I open the paper.

NYWC 11/1/08 November 2, 2008

Interesting classes I have taken:

• Talking about the Gospel as More than Penal Substitution
• What make you and Others Tick: Finding God in our Messy Lives
• Healing and Hope for Kids who Cut

Talking about the Gospel as More than Penal Substitution: This class containe tons of useful information and Scot McKNight was a funny man.  The only downside was that he spoke in seminary lingo.  He usually explained what he meant but it threw me off to begin with. He said we have four issues we need to deal with: What is the Gospel?, How we make people respond to the Gospel and Salvation?, The problems that are resolved by the Gospel, and making a robust Gospel for Robust problems.  Scot does not believe in shrinking the gospel into 3 or 4 points because the gospel isn’t simple, but complex.  Yet, he gave us 3 nice little 4 point lists.  The net part talked about the fall of man and our becoming cracked icons or cracked reflections of our maker.  The four problems of man that must be addressed by the gospel is: the shame of self, fear of God, alienation and blame between ourselves, and alienation from the world we exist in.  These problems come from our eating the fruit and being deceived by the serpent. The only way that we can address these cracks is to make sure that wha twe tell people is the whole story.  Most of the time we make the Gospel as Jesus taking the punishment that we deserved, but we have to create a Gospel that is more.

General Session 3-Francis Chen: He really pushed my buttons and challeneged me.  It especially talked to me because of the place I feel Bridge Midtown is at now.  It seems we have been stuck in a slump and haven’t gotten any kids to come.  Some nights it was only the leadership team and it has been hard. Every night at the diner, other people are reporting back there numbers and they were so much bigger than what we had.  I wanted that.  It has been a struggle to try and be happy with the kid we have gotten to stay and become regulars.  The biggest thought: “Jesus saw a big crowd and was skeptical.  He didn’t want followers, he wanted disciples.  Followers weren’t useful for anything.  They would ruin his crap.” (My own stringing of thoughts not Francis Chen’s).

What Makes you and Others Tick?: Was quite upset when I walked in and saw that the slides said it was on prayer.  I did not want to go to a seminar on prayer.  I wanted stuff on personality.  He did speak on it and after that I left.  He said there were three type of people: Head centered, Heart centered, and Gut Centered.  Head centered people are more introverted and their looking at the world without a lot of engagement.  Most of their interactions are made within their own heads.  Their is tons of things that are going on inside of them. Their central question: “What’s going on here?”  They experience God outside of themselves and this is where God can talk to them. Heart centered people are extroverts and they have a huge social world. They like to interact and their central question is: “Will they like me?” They experience God inside of them because their outer world is so packed. Gut centered people are, what we can call, omniverts.  They are a balance of both worlds.  Their central question is: “Dos my inner world make sense with my outer world?”  They have been known to say: “”Here I am. Deal with me.” They experience God in and out. After getting this information, I left.

Healing and Hope for Kids who Cut: Surprisingly when I entered this seminar, it had just begun.  I didn’t miss any of it.  The most important thing to know is that cutting or self-injury is self-caring. These kids are dealing with pain the only way they can.  Self-injuring is a way to ese inner tension from emotions that seem uncontrollable, to escape from emptiness and depression, realizing anger, maintainng a sense of security and uniqueness, obtaining a sense of euphoria, esccaping numbness, preventing suicide, expressing emotional pain, commnicating inner turmil and need for help, validating their emotional pain, expressing/repressing sexuality, continuing abusive patterns, obtaining biochemial relief, and preventing something worse.  The most common behaviors are; cutting, burning, and head-banging.  Other forms are: branding, hair pulling, biting, carving, scratching, abrasions (example: draggin knuckles along a brick wall), hitting, bruising, interferring with natural healing (picking scabs). They do not stop because it’s thier decision and doesn’t affect anyone else, it’s their body and they can do what they want, it’s a way to show their pain, their scars help them manage, giving it up will cause more pain, pushes people away, they deserve to be punished, and if they stop, they will end up killing themselves. It’s a cycle of addiciton for them.  It’s a way for them to get from the negative area of emotion into the positive, but it follows the law of diminishing return which means as they continue, they will not get the same high they one got until it gets to the point they can’t even get into the positive anymore.  We have to respong with affirmation, alistening ear, offering our presence, acceptance, and speaking of Hope.  Some practical suggestions are: life a life worthy of trust, listen deeply/actively/non-judgementally, be available (not frantic), do NOT condemn, be medicall objective, read all you can, refer to a qualified therapist, and become acquainted with organizations for self-injurers like S.A.F.E and To Write Love on Her Arms.

General Sesson 4: Phyllis Tickle spoke. It was very informative about the history of the church.  It is very interesting to hear where we came from, but I get slightly board.  I could not fit myself into any of her four quadrants and realized my church is emerging! lol.

I hope this format is more helpful.  I know last post was a little jumbled.  I know there are others with better notes.  My friend Janelle’s blog is very good.  It’s at janellepainter.com/blog.

I can’t wait for what’s in store next!