Thoughts on Ministry/Callings/Worship November 16, 2009

An phone conversation with my best friend is the spark of this blog entry.  Since I am trying to get back into blogging again, I decided to tackle this lovely issue.  It really isn’t a issue for many, but it is something she has caused me to consider.

I have been in and out of our church’s ministry for awhile now.  I started helping in our youth group in 2004 and rose the ranks of leader. I have always loved music and when we began our youth church, I went into the worship team.  It had always been an awesome place and time for me.  It was the thing that brought me and my fiance together.  Thursday nights was practice and was always the highlight of my week.  I transitioned from youth church band to young adult church band.  I even became the assistant vocal director.  This was my favorite position in ministry and a position I took very seriously.  Eventually, I had to step down due to my increased school work load.  I was seeing that it was impossible to do it all and needed to scale back.

I must admit, that I have always been headstrong and very outspoken in our group.  It had caused me to butt heads with the vocal and band director a couple of times.  I know there is a entry or two that has been about these times.  After stepping down, it was very hard to get into the rhythm of things.  I felt very excluded and hurt by actions of those in the group.  I eventually stopped going and have been embittered by things that have happened.  It took some time to cope and get back to level ground, but there is somethings that will never be the same.

So, to back track slightly, my best friend was telling me about how the young adult band has begun to audition people who are interested in joining. She makes a point of saying, “Just in case you wanted to go back.” My response is automatically, “No.” It’s said in the flattest of tones. She asks, “why?” I feel that this avenue is closed to me at this point in my life.  Not only this ministry, but ministry in general.  Technically, I can’t go into ministry if I wanted to, but the point is I don’t want to.

People have said that I am needed back, but I don’t think so.  I am not needed like I once was.  I don’t feel the pull like I once had either.  Some may call this pull God’s calling on my life, but I don’t feel that. It’s very tough to explain and understand because as I say this, I know one thing. I know that when I sit in the young adult service and look up at the stage, something in my heart hurts. So as I say that I don’t feel the need/ the call/ the pull, I also can say that my heart breaks while I am not on that stage singing until my lungs are gasping for air. So the big question is, what am I feeling?

Every person has some great plan for their life.  I have always known this fact.  I have always known that God calls people into his service and uses their gifts.  I don’t know how I fit into that.  I don’t know really what else to say. If I am to go back to this thing called ministry, I must then get over myself and just do it.  Yet, I know I can’t physically and emotionally do that.  ARG, I am just further frustrating myself with this mindset.  I am ending this now.

Humility and Punishment May 5, 2009

I feel like I have to get this out here and now.  It may not make sense and it may be jumbled, misspelled, and incorrect.  I am going to get this out onto this page and close the laptop.

I am very strong willed and head strong.  I know this.  I make decisions and I live with the consequences because that is how life goes.  I try to do whatis right, but at times my flaws get in the way of me acting in an appropriate manner.  I know that I am flawed.

The hardest thing for me is to bite my tongue and tone down.  This is especially hard when I feel wronged in some way, shape, or form.  I am a lion, hear me roar.  This is my defensive side.   This is my life of hard knocks outer shell that I have not completely let go off.

So, this side has gotten me into trouble many times.  Let’s say I have not conquered this deficiency.

Now and always, I feel the punishment and the seemingly condemnation from those around me who are interacting with this side.  This is not the true me and very few see the softer golden retreiver part.  So I am suffering.  The one thing in life that has always beeen there for me is being taken away.  Part of my purpose in life is being taken away.  I cannot do what has been ingrained in my DNA by the one who loves me so.  I can’t.

It is my fault and my flaws, but I feel that I am getting tired of explaining myself to people.  Why can’t I be accepted and understood for who I am.  I don’t want to talk and I shouldn’t be punished because I do not fit into who you want or think I am.  I just feel farther pushed away by you who say to confide.  I am not your friend or anyones it seems.

My inner agony has taken over and I feel more and more alone in places of fellowship.  I have never needed people, but a part of me still yearns for the contact.  I am angry and hurt.  I do not forget.

Maybe I’ll never be home.

Deteriorated-Installment 5 March 30, 2008

Chapter 2
The Game of…
I feel like life can be one huge football game. We are at the line of scrimmage and you are facing off against the opposing team. You see their quarterback giving the play and you are trying to anticipate their action. You stand before each other and are waiting for them to move. You are waiting for them to act. In a split second, movement commences and everyone is scrambling. You’re moving this way and that, but are only able to see a beautifully executed plan go straight through your wall of defense. Your crushed. Your defeated.
How many times have we seen the same things happen to us when the people we love the most, hurt us the worst? How their words and actions are able to hit us were it hurts because we are unable to defend. We let our guard down. Yet, how many times have we seen a defense learn from their mistake and strengthen their resistance? The same is with us. We don’t want to be humiliated again and appear weak. We put up our wall.
The game plan: to touch the untouchable. The coach has commissioned us to go full tilt into the darkness and save those who are destined for death. To break down the walls and be a bridge from God’s heart to human hearts everywhere. To take those who are unloved and make them feel loved. To touch their hearts and make them feel connected to the body of Christ. This idea is supposed to override any of our actions and motives as a part of the leadership team.
Yet, can’t we take a good look at ourselves and say we are winners. I see our own walls and gaping wounds. I’ve known the pain of defeat and I can see pain in my own team mates.

Deny yourself.
But I’m hurting.
Deny Yourself.
I can’t see past the tears.
Deny Yourself.
It’s too much.

Yet, we have to push past the pain. Let ourselves be open and defenseless. We have to go against our human nature and natural instincts. We have to deny our own feelings and leave ourselves open to attack. Fights with our brothers, girlfriends, and friends have to be put to rest as we work with these same souls towards our common goal.
At times, I sit in the building or in the sanctuary. I look at the stage and wonder about our accomplishments. I look at the faces around me, sitting in the crimson chairs. Saved by the blood. Yet, shedding our own and each others.
I wonder if we understand the consequences of our actions. Can we save a soul while condemning another?
Is it awful that I sit at our services and meetings and ponder these thoughts?

Is it worse not to realize it at all?

Just a thought…… March 27, 2008

my heart has never been broken.

sure, it`s been stepped on, even stomped on ocassionally.

it`s been smacked around a little.

ripped in a few places, torn in a lot.

there`s even a few claw marks and a few bits missing.

it`s slightly lopsided and very fragile looking, with all the bruises and initials carved in like an old school desk

it`s a little bit squished and it hurts sometimes, but it`s beautiful.

and no one can ever break that. <3

Here I am… March 23, 2008

Broken.

I feel it. I feel it in my heart at times and in my soul.

The retreat was about brokenness and restoration. I don’t know how much it helped me. I know God heals all wounds, but right now I see pieces of me scattered on the ground. I’ve always had issues with being broken. I guess that everyone does, but I can relate with protecting my brokenness.

I still put up walls around the pain and put a new band aid over the wound. I can’t heal, but just try to numb myself.

I want to get away from this pattern, but it hurts me. I want to get out of this vicious circle that separates me from everyone else.

I want to be open, but every time I taste freedom, I feel my wings clipped and I hit the ground. Hard.

I don’t want to be hurt again, but I don’t want to be alone.