A new beginning… November 15, 2009

So I know I have been MIA for a while now.  The last update wasn’t my happiest and it’s been a whirlwind since May. It was an interesting post-college summer.

The Job Search: Trying to find a job was difficult.  I sent out ten applications and never got a reply! I wanted to watch that movie Post-Grad because I felt I could relate.  I ended up putting in my application twice in Elizabeth.  The second time, I actually got a response! It was tense for a couple of days.  I was trying to get all my paperwork in and trying to make the deadline of the board meeting.  I ended up missing it.  My heart and spirit was crushed, but they ended up calling an emergency meeting in which I passed and became an official teacher.

Unemployment: I ended up getting unemployment and had a work free summer.  No job and just time for me.  It was restful.  It caused me to have to stop moving and I went a little crazy. I had been non-stop from the first day I stepped on my college campus.  I worked as well as taking 6 classes at a time. I never had a break, so unemployment was my rest.  Of course, it ran out before I got my job!  It caused some stress, but I don’t think I was ever as financially stable as I had been (until now of course) when I was on unemployment.

My First Job: I am a 7th grade Language Arts teacher now and I love it! It’s been very interesting.  The first marking period ends on Tuesday and it’s been a full, fun time.  Halfway through the marking period, I also became a 6th grade Language Arts teacher. I am doing double duty now. I am also teaching after school. It’s a little crazy and stressful, but I am getting into the flow of it.

The Love of my Life: This October 8th made 4 wonderful years with my boyfriend Phil.  Four days before our anniversary, we went to see Blink-182!  They are our favorite band and probably the band that we thought we would never see.  When they reunited, we definitely knew we had to see them. We went to Madison Square Garden and sat in the Floor Section.  I was so happy and thought that nothing could have made that night any better.  Boy, was I wrong.  We got home and Phil said he wanted to give me my anniversary gift.  On my porch, Phil asked me to marry him.  Of course, I said yes!  He is now my fiance and we are planning on getting married on May 8th.

The Wedding Countdown: According to the countdown, we have 174 days until we become man and wife. I am excited.  I have my dress.  The bridesmaids have their dresses. We booked the reception site.  We have the church.  We have the pastor.  DJ: check.  Cake: check. I haven’t completed my list of things to do, but I hopefully will get everything done by May 8th.  I got my days off for a short but sweet honeymoon.  I am trying to stay calm and not stress to much.

Life is good.  I can’t complain.  I told Phil after the shock had set in from being engaged, “I am getting everything I have ever prayed for.”  I cried and am so very thankful. I could cry at this very moment.  After the hard years and the hard times when I didn’t think things would get better, I am standing triumphant and successful.

Purpose December 5, 2008

It is finally Friday!

I am exhausted.  This was my first full week of teaching.  I loved it, but it was tiring. Last night I finally got a full night of sleep and I’m feeling pretty well today.

Yesterday was my last observation and I got all my paperwork (my review) for this semester. I did really well.  My supervisor told me that I have a natural ability to teach and I am so glad.

In the beginning of the semster, I had some doubts and was really freaking myself out.  My final year and now I begin to doubt the last three years of college education? I came into college knowing that at the end, I would be a teacher. Since I knew I only had until May 2009 to accomplish this goal, I’ve been going full steam ahead. Nothing has stopped me from getting to this point.  Yet, I began to doubt and stress so much this year.

If anything this semester has taught me is that I love this job.  I love being in front of the classroom and thinking of fun activities where students barely realize that they are learning.  I love being creative. I love the kids! Every job I’ve had has been with kids and helping them learn.  I guess this has been my life’s goal.

This is my purpose.  This is the one place in the universe where I belong and flourish.  I want to challenge you.  Where do you flourish?  What is that one thing that people are like, “Wow, you’re a natural!”  It’s probably right there in front of you.  Ask people and they can tell you what they see you are good at and what makes you alive.

find it…

Messy Spirituality November 26, 2008

“He also learned that sometimes the Holy Spirit asks us to violate our conviction for a season in order to live the faith, not just talk about it.”

-Mike Yaconelli Messy Spirituality

I picked up this book at NYWC because we did a series based on this book at The Connection. I have been going through a rough time lately and I remembered that I had liked this series of teaching.  I really was interested in what this book may hold for me.

It was something I needed.  I always feel like a failure when it comes to being a christian.  I’m always failing and am not able to be “spiritual” and read my bible and pray everyday like I’m supposed to.  It sucks and has gotten me down.  It always gets me down because I have been struggling and trying to get closer to God through this time, yet I still am not able to take the time to read the bible, meditate, and pray.  I remember a time where I felt so close to God and had no doubts in his hand in my life. Now, I can barely see my next step.

This book gave me some hope.  Spirituality is more than reading your bible and is more than what I have been told.  Spiritual growth and the whole life I’ve been told to live, may not be the correct way.  The book seemed to be a contradiction to what I’ve always been told and I like it.  The ideas of how Christianity is, makes me feel that I am doing something right and that I am not a failure.

This quote really got me.  Many of the things said were awesome, but this one cause me to stop reading and really pause.  What does it mean?  What kind of idea is this?

I really haven’t wrapped my whole mind around it, but I can tell you some of my thoughts.  It is a very interesting idea.  Christianity is always about being courageous and never backing down on our stands/beliefs.  How many of us know someone who will never violate their beliefs or ideas for anyone?  How many have shunned people because they have done things wrong?

I think this question is what draws me to this quote.  I have been seeing some of my “friends” exclude people who had left our church, but are trying to come back.  It has made me so upset to see this type of exclusion and, in my opinion, unGodly behavior.  Christ was all about love and forgiveness.  How many times did Christ have prostitutes, thieves, etc. following him and spreading the good news?  How many were following him and working in his “ministry” and in his “service”?  Yet, we have the gall to say no to people who truly desire to work in God’s service because of some things in their past. Are we better than Jesus? Can we truly be so picky? We were sinners and then forgiven.  What gives us the right to judge? Nothing does.

Another thing is, where is the love?  I think that that is also something that is important about this quote. Should I do almost everything in my power to make  someone feel more comfortable with me and more accepted which therefore makes them feel love? The answer is yes. Yet, sometimes I feel that people are so ready to judge and make people feel uncomfortable.

It is only for a season.  It’s not permanent. If it has someone come to Christ and see God’s love through me, then I know I should do it.

Just a thought…… March 27, 2008

my heart has never been broken.

sure, it`s been stepped on, even stomped on ocassionally.

it`s been smacked around a little.

ripped in a few places, torn in a lot.

there`s even a few claw marks and a few bits missing.

it`s slightly lopsided and very fragile looking, with all the bruises and initials carved in like an old school desk

it`s a little bit squished and it hurts sometimes, but it`s beautiful.

and no one can ever break that. <3

Deteriorated-Installment 4 March 10, 2008

Two for the price of ONE!!! I just want to get what I already have while I’m editing the the newest part.

 As Cold As…
It’s cold.  I hate the cold.  Edward loves the fall and winter, but I don’t see why.  Snow is nice, but the cold doesn’t agree with me.  I have the blades on my feet and I’m slightly anticipating stepping onto the ice.  Okay, so maybe I’m not a full winter hater.  I do love ice skating.  I don’t know why, but I do.
I step onto the ice and my first couple of moves are tentative.  I brace myself for a fall that never comes and then, surprisingly, I’m relaxed.  I move fluidly on the ice, sometimes jerkily, but mostly fluidly.  There’s something about ice skating that I can’t explain, but somehow my soul leaps at the chance to sail upon the ice.
I speed up.  I slow down.  I watch as my skates cut a thin line in the ice. I see how the ice almost welcomes the blade.  It seems to melt a layer away and allows the blade to come further into it’s body. It’s allowing the blade to search it and become a part of it.
I lift my face up to the sky with my arms held out.  I have let Edward and the rest of my group to go and do what they please, but here am I.  I am me.  For this precious moment, I feel free.  I feel like I can soar past all of the ugliness that is trying to touch me and just be me.  I speed up.  I pump my legs and then glide.  Blade to ice.  Ice to blade. One.

To Break Through the…
I try a hockey stop and have ice spray all over my friends.  They are laughing and now beginning to skate away, but I know they will come back to try to get even.  I skate slowly as I scan the crowd for Milagros.  When I see her I almost stop.
I see her skating with all her heart as she goes faster and faster.  She has this brightness in her eye that shows her life, a life that has been missing lately.  Like the sun breaking through the clouds, I see this new life shine through.  She lifts her face upwards and has the biggest smile I have ever seen.  She lifts her hands up and it seems like she is trying to spin around.
I see a wobble and then she hits the ground.  I hurry over to her.  I hope she isn’t hurt.  When I get there, I find that she is laughing, this full laugh that makes me laugh with her.  She stretches her hands out to me and I grab them.  I pull her up and when she gets on her feet she looks straight into my eyes.  Her face is glowing with some kind of energy that has been missing for quite some time.  Her eyes.  Her smile.  Her laugh.
This is what I fell in love with.

Deteriorated- Installment 2 December 17, 2007

For the love of…
We walk into the building and sit down for another meeting.  I sit next to my girlfriend Milagros.  I love her.  I would do anything for her.  If I had to jump in front of a bullet that may hit her, I would.  If I had to eat 1,000 hot chili peppers, I would.  Yet, sometimes I feel that there is nothing between us.  I wonder how these two views and ideas can live in one heart.  How can I love, yet not at the same time?
I look at her as the pastor’s voice drones on in the backward.  I can see that far away look in her eye as she stares at the pastor’s face.  I can tell what he cannot.  She isn’t listening, but going into that place deep inside her heart that people are not allowed.  A place that I’m not even allowed access to and it makes me angry.  It gets me so mad that there are things hidden from me that she won’t tell me.  I get so frustrated. Sometimes she does tell me, but only when we are in an argument.  Here are the times when she dumps on me. She unloads all of her problems with my actions and makes me into a monster. How can I love that?
Two years later, we are still together.  Still strong may be pushing it for I don’t know how strong our bond may actually be.  How strong can a bond be between anyone you know?  You may be my best friend, but can I say our connection is strong?  How do I know that you won’t go lie about me behind my back?  How can I be sure that you won’t go and steal something from me?  How?
I drift back into the meeting as I hear the pastor say something about faith and dedication.  What does he mean?  What is faith?  Can I say I have it?  Probably not.  Do I have dedication?  I’m still here am I not.  If I wasn’t dedicated I would have left long ago.  Here I am 20 years old and every Friday night, I give myself over to screaming over loud obnoxious kids instead of partying and enjoying my weekend.
Every Friday, I run home after work.  I try to gather all my equipment, which depending on the night, can be tons of stuff like candy, plastic utensils, or a bucket of worms.  I’m in charge from 7-8 pm and I’m dedicated.  I spend tons of time stressing over every detail of my hour.  Those kids will have fun at youth group as long as I’m in charge of it.  On average we have 25 kids who attend.  These kids know what to expect when they walk through those doors, quality.