Another Day…….
I look over at Edward and I smile. He’s in the corner of the room, talking with all of our friends like always. It’s always the same after every meeting. The group breaks up into it’s cliques. We are supposed to be united, but the opposite seems true. We stay in these groups and our lives revolve around them. Maybe there are a few who drift in and out of the groups, but mostly the groups are permanent. Memberships change, but overall everything is the same.
I feel like I have special access to these cliques. Most of these people have been together their whole lives, while I am only a blip on the radar screen of their history. Yet, it allows me this awkward outsider access. I am a part of this group, but not. They just seem like another acquaintance. Just another name on the list of people I know. It just seem fake.
Edward is different. He doesn’t have this awkwardness like I. He is a part of the group. He has that membership card that I lack. He was born into this church. He was born into this group. He has a lifetime access to this family. The hardest part is that since we began dating, I feel like I’ve been granted extra privileges. This relationship has given me a new status and an upgrade from outsider to slightly inside.
I walk around. I converse a little here and a little there, but not really connecting to much. Not allowing that extra time to connect. Just enough. I’m the great actress who makes you believe in what is false. You believe you know me and have access to this private life of mine, but you are mistaken. You are not given access just like you refuse access.
I make my way to Edward’s group and let myself into his circle. Partially in the group, but partly excluded because of the physical diameter of the circle. I listen to the friendly banter and just soak it in. I may have a comment or two, but I keep it to myself. I listen, but keep exploring the grouping that unveils in front of me. I see Mitch, Jake, Nelle, Jen, and Ava sitting together. Mitch and Jake are doing something that Nelle and Ava find hysterical, but that I may just find gross and maybe a little sexual. I look over to Elizabeth and Arnold talking together, deep in a conversation that can only pertain to their own relationship matters.
I look at Jessica and Sarah, the wives of the pastors, talking about something. Jessica is animated and Sarah is looking like she is trying to counter whatever Jessica’s animation is conveying. Edmund, Will, Ken, and Carlos are talking about who knows what, but from what I can tell it must be theological in matter for these masters to be together. Catherine wanders into that group and whispers something in Edmund’s ear. He nods and continues.
Edmund always makes me wonder. He is one of the newest member of our leadership team, but he fits in with the old regime so much better than I. It’s not even his relationship with Catherine, but something else. Something I may lack.
I fall back into the conversation as I hear Edward asking me if I wanted to go ice skating. I say yes and find out that a group is going and that’s it not only Edward and I. I’m a little saddened, but figure it is better this way.
Deteriorated Installment 3 January 18, 2008
Deteriorated- Installment 2 December 17, 2007
For the love of…
We walk into the building and sit down for another meeting. I sit next to my girlfriend Milagros. I love her. I would do anything for her. If I had to jump in front of a bullet that may hit her, I would. If I had to eat 1,000 hot chili peppers, I would. Yet, sometimes I feel that there is nothing between us. I wonder how these two views and ideas can live in one heart. How can I love, yet not at the same time?
I look at her as the pastor’s voice drones on in the backward. I can see that far away look in her eye as she stares at the pastor’s face. I can tell what he cannot. She isn’t listening, but going into that place deep inside her heart that people are not allowed. A place that I’m not even allowed access to and it makes me angry. It gets me so mad that there are things hidden from me that she won’t tell me. I get so frustrated. Sometimes she does tell me, but only when we are in an argument. Here are the times when she dumps on me. She unloads all of her problems with my actions and makes me into a monster. How can I love that?
Two years later, we are still together. Still strong may be pushing it for I don’t know how strong our bond may actually be. How strong can a bond be between anyone you know? You may be my best friend, but can I say our connection is strong? How do I know that you won’t go lie about me behind my back? How can I be sure that you won’t go and steal something from me? How?
I drift back into the meeting as I hear the pastor say something about faith and dedication. What does he mean? What is faith? Can I say I have it? Probably not. Do I have dedication? I’m still here am I not. If I wasn’t dedicated I would have left long ago. Here I am 20 years old and every Friday night, I give myself over to screaming over loud obnoxious kids instead of partying and enjoying my weekend.
Every Friday, I run home after work. I try to gather all my equipment, which depending on the night, can be tons of stuff like candy, plastic utensils, or a bucket of worms. I’m in charge from 7-8 pm and I’m dedicated. I spend tons of time stressing over every detail of my hour. Those kids will have fun at youth group as long as I’m in charge of it. On average we have 25 kids who attend. These kids know what to expect when they walk through those doors, quality.
