Messy Spirituality November 26, 2008

“He also learned that sometimes the Holy Spirit asks us to violate our conviction for a season in order to live the faith, not just talk about it.”

-Mike Yaconelli Messy Spirituality

I picked up this book at NYWC because we did a series based on this book at The Connection. I have been going through a rough time lately and I remembered that I had liked this series of teaching.  I really was interested in what this book may hold for me.

It was something I needed.  I always feel like a failure when it comes to being a christian.  I’m always failing and am not able to be “spiritual” and read my bible and pray everyday like I’m supposed to.  It sucks and has gotten me down.  It always gets me down because I have been struggling and trying to get closer to God through this time, yet I still am not able to take the time to read the bible, meditate, and pray.  I remember a time where I felt so close to God and had no doubts in his hand in my life. Now, I can barely see my next step.

This book gave me some hope.  Spirituality is more than reading your bible and is more than what I have been told.  Spiritual growth and the whole life I’ve been told to live, may not be the correct way.  The book seemed to be a contradiction to what I’ve always been told and I like it.  The ideas of how Christianity is, makes me feel that I am doing something right and that I am not a failure.

This quote really got me.  Many of the things said were awesome, but this one cause me to stop reading and really pause.  What does it mean?  What kind of idea is this?

I really haven’t wrapped my whole mind around it, but I can tell you some of my thoughts.  It is a very interesting idea.  Christianity is always about being courageous and never backing down on our stands/beliefs.  How many of us know someone who will never violate their beliefs or ideas for anyone?  How many have shunned people because they have done things wrong?

I think this question is what draws me to this quote.  I have been seeing some of my “friends” exclude people who had left our church, but are trying to come back.  It has made me so upset to see this type of exclusion and, in my opinion, unGodly behavior.  Christ was all about love and forgiveness.  How many times did Christ have prostitutes, thieves, etc. following him and spreading the good news?  How many were following him and working in his “ministry” and in his “service”?  Yet, we have the gall to say no to people who truly desire to work in God’s service because of some things in their past. Are we better than Jesus? Can we truly be so picky? We were sinners and then forgiven.  What gives us the right to judge? Nothing does.

Another thing is, where is the love?  I think that that is also something that is important about this quote. Should I do almost everything in my power to make  someone feel more comfortable with me and more accepted which therefore makes them feel love? The answer is yes. Yet, sometimes I feel that people are so ready to judge and make people feel uncomfortable.

It is only for a season.  It’s not permanent. If it has someone come to Christ and see God’s love through me, then I know I should do it.

Deteriorated-Installment 6 November 21, 2008

I know I haven’t updated in awhile.  The comment on the last post has been one reason why.  I didn’t know how to approach the blog after such a misundertsanding of what I was trying to express.  So I’ve decied to finally update my story.

Just as a side note, I’m going to submit my little bit for publishing.  It’s a big risk for me.  Pray that I don’t get murdered.

You need to pay…

I run past her because I do not want to speak to her.  I, Milagros Amanda Farias, do not want an exchange of words with Madeline.  She doesn’t notice of course.  She is busy pushing her way back into someone else’s life.  I have things to do.  I have to get onstage for worship.  I’m singing back up today.  We are supposed to be praying now.  I hope I haven’t missed it.
I run up the stairs and push the red curtain back and see the band in a circle.  I push my way into the circle by grabbing Elizabeth’s hand and Charles’ hand.  I try to concentrate while Charles seems to be playing with my hand.  He somehow gets his hand comfortable with his pinky hanging out, but while he was getting there, I had become very unfocused.
“Why is she here?”
“Why has she come back in our world?”
“What does she want?”
“What is her motive?”
“Why can’t she leave us alone?”
“Why can’t she disappear?”
While I contemplate these ideas, praying seems to wind down.  My thoughts are disturbed by an amen.  I have missed prayer.
It’s time to get on stage and as I walk to the mike, I sneak a peak at the crowd.  No way.  She’s sitting next to Edward.  That’s my seat. As his girlfriend, my place is beside him. She doesn’t belong there.
As I sing, I cannot help but watch.  Watch her give him a hug.  Watch her whispering to him.  Watch her giggle at his reply.  I am angry, yet I keep on the calm cool demeanor of worship.  Inside, I’m twisting.  I feel something boiling to the surface.  Right now, I hold it down.  Just for now…
Another amen and I have been distracted again.  Worship time is over.  I walk offstage, to the back door, around, and then back behind the audience.  I find a seat in the closest to the sound board.  I sit in the semidarkness and let loose my thoughts.  Now, I’m watching them from the back.  Watching her whisper in his ear.  The ear that I should be whispering in.  I see her shift in my chair.  My seat.
Why is she here?  She left us.  She chose her path and it wasn’t to our door.  She chose to dabble and experiment.  She chose new friends.  I was abandoned.  I mean, she abandoned us.  Yet, she’s here now.  In my spot, by his side. In my place.
I hear an amen and I know that I have missed the message.  The pastor has been at the front talking for a half hour and I cannot recall any of it.  I sit with my head in my hands.  What have I done?  Everyone is standing up to leave.  A paper falls into my lap and I see Pastor Ken walk past.
I open the paper.