Humility and Punishment May 5, 2009

I feel like I have to get this out here and now.  It may not make sense and it may be jumbled, misspelled, and incorrect.  I am going to get this out onto this page and close the laptop.

I am very strong willed and head strong.  I know this.  I make decisions and I live with the consequences because that is how life goes.  I try to do whatis right, but at times my flaws get in the way of me acting in an appropriate manner.  I know that I am flawed.

The hardest thing for me is to bite my tongue and tone down.  This is especially hard when I feel wronged in some way, shape, or form.  I am a lion, hear me roar.  This is my defensive side.   This is my life of hard knocks outer shell that I have not completely let go off.

So, this side has gotten me into trouble many times.  Let’s say I have not conquered this deficiency.

Now and always, I feel the punishment and the seemingly condemnation from those around me who are interacting with this side.  This is not the true me and very few see the softer golden retreiver part.  So I am suffering.  The one thing in life that has always beeen there for me is being taken away.  Part of my purpose in life is being taken away.  I cannot do what has been ingrained in my DNA by the one who loves me so.  I can’t.

It is my fault and my flaws, but I feel that I am getting tired of explaining myself to people.  Why can’t I be accepted and understood for who I am.  I don’t want to talk and I shouldn’t be punished because I do not fit into who you want or think I am.  I just feel farther pushed away by you who say to confide.  I am not your friend or anyones it seems.

My inner agony has taken over and I feel more and more alone in places of fellowship.  I have never needed people, but a part of me still yearns for the contact.  I am angry and hurt.  I do not forget.

Maybe I’ll never be home.

The Big Question November 8, 2008

So I’ve been promising that I would answer that big question: “Am I depending on God or just believing in him?”

I decided to try and tackle this question on Monday and here it is Saturday and I’m finally posting what little I had tackled.

One of the big reasons for taking my time with this question is because the answer is quite simple: I am just believing in him. I am not depending on him, but on myself.  I only believe that he will open doors for me to do what I have to do.  It’s not God doing something for me, it’s more like him providing me a way. So instead of the emphasis on me. It’s kind of crazy, but I’m trying to diminish God’s role in my life.  I’m putting myself in his spot of glory.  Instead of saying, “God did it”, I say “I did it.”

Yes and as much as I want to say that this is wrong, it is not.  Let’s dig deeper.  I know you want to hear more.  The reason for my not depending is…I have major trust issues.  BUt that’s not it ladies and gentlemen, I have issues with humility.

And I don’t know if this makes sense, but it’s really hard for me to admit.  It seems fitting that I’m deciding to share this when I’ve been getting tons of traffic.

So where was has the girl with faith in her creator and greatest friend? I don’t know.  I miss her.