Humility and Punishment May 5, 2009

I feel like I have to get this out here and now.  It may not make sense and it may be jumbled, misspelled, and incorrect.  I am going to get this out onto this page and close the laptop.

I am very strong willed and head strong.  I know this.  I make decisions and I live with the consequences because that is how life goes.  I try to do whatis right, but at times my flaws get in the way of me acting in an appropriate manner.  I know that I am flawed.

The hardest thing for me is to bite my tongue and tone down.  This is especially hard when I feel wronged in some way, shape, or form.  I am a lion, hear me roar.  This is my defensive side.   This is my life of hard knocks outer shell that I have not completely let go off.

So, this side has gotten me into trouble many times.  Let’s say I have not conquered this deficiency.

Now and always, I feel the punishment and the seemingly condemnation from those around me who are interacting with this side.  This is not the true me and very few see the softer golden retreiver part.  So I am suffering.  The one thing in life that has always beeen there for me is being taken away.  Part of my purpose in life is being taken away.  I cannot do what has been ingrained in my DNA by the one who loves me so.  I can’t.

It is my fault and my flaws, but I feel that I am getting tired of explaining myself to people.  Why can’t I be accepted and understood for who I am.  I don’t want to talk and I shouldn’t be punished because I do not fit into who you want or think I am.  I just feel farther pushed away by you who say to confide.  I am not your friend or anyones it seems.

My inner agony has taken over and I feel more and more alone in places of fellowship.  I have never needed people, but a part of me still yearns for the contact.  I am angry and hurt.  I do not forget.

Maybe I’ll never be home.

Purpose December 5, 2008

It is finally Friday!

I am exhausted.  This was my first full week of teaching.  I loved it, but it was tiring. Last night I finally got a full night of sleep and I’m feeling pretty well today.

Yesterday was my last observation and I got all my paperwork (my review) for this semester. I did really well.  My supervisor told me that I have a natural ability to teach and I am so glad.

In the beginning of the semster, I had some doubts and was really freaking myself out.  My final year and now I begin to doubt the last three years of college education? I came into college knowing that at the end, I would be a teacher. Since I knew I only had until May 2009 to accomplish this goal, I’ve been going full steam ahead. Nothing has stopped me from getting to this point.  Yet, I began to doubt and stress so much this year.

If anything this semester has taught me is that I love this job.  I love being in front of the classroom and thinking of fun activities where students barely realize that they are learning.  I love being creative. I love the kids! Every job I’ve had has been with kids and helping them learn.  I guess this has been my life’s goal.

This is my purpose.  This is the one place in the universe where I belong and flourish.  I want to challenge you.  Where do you flourish?  What is that one thing that people are like, “Wow, you’re a natural!”  It’s probably right there in front of you.  Ask people and they can tell you what they see you are good at and what makes you alive.

find it…