Purpose December 5, 2008

It is finally Friday!

I am exhausted.  This was my first full week of teaching.  I loved it, but it was tiring. Last night I finally got a full night of sleep and I’m feeling pretty well today.

Yesterday was my last observation and I got all my paperwork (my review) for this semester. I did really well.  My supervisor told me that I have a natural ability to teach and I am so glad.

In the beginning of the semster, I had some doubts and was really freaking myself out.  My final year and now I begin to doubt the last three years of college education? I came into college knowing that at the end, I would be a teacher. Since I knew I only had until May 2009 to accomplish this goal, I’ve been going full steam ahead. Nothing has stopped me from getting to this point.  Yet, I began to doubt and stress so much this year.

If anything this semester has taught me is that I love this job.  I love being in front of the classroom and thinking of fun activities where students barely realize that they are learning.  I love being creative. I love the kids! Every job I’ve had has been with kids and helping them learn.  I guess this has been my life’s goal.

This is my purpose.  This is the one place in the universe where I belong and flourish.  I want to challenge you.  Where do you flourish?  What is that one thing that people are like, “Wow, you’re a natural!”  It’s probably right there in front of you.  Ask people and they can tell you what they see you are good at and what makes you alive.

find it…

Deteriorated-Installment 6 November 21, 2008

I know I haven’t updated in awhile.  The comment on the last post has been one reason why.  I didn’t know how to approach the blog after such a misundertsanding of what I was trying to express.  So I’ve decied to finally update my story.

Just as a side note, I’m going to submit my little bit for publishing.  It’s a big risk for me.  Pray that I don’t get murdered.

You need to pay…

I run past her because I do not want to speak to her.  I, Milagros Amanda Farias, do not want an exchange of words with Madeline.  She doesn’t notice of course.  She is busy pushing her way back into someone else’s life.  I have things to do.  I have to get onstage for worship.  I’m singing back up today.  We are supposed to be praying now.  I hope I haven’t missed it.
I run up the stairs and push the red curtain back and see the band in a circle.  I push my way into the circle by grabbing Elizabeth’s hand and Charles’ hand.  I try to concentrate while Charles seems to be playing with my hand.  He somehow gets his hand comfortable with his pinky hanging out, but while he was getting there, I had become very unfocused.
“Why is she here?”
“Why has she come back in our world?”
“What does she want?”
“What is her motive?”
“Why can’t she leave us alone?”
“Why can’t she disappear?”
While I contemplate these ideas, praying seems to wind down.  My thoughts are disturbed by an amen.  I have missed prayer.
It’s time to get on stage and as I walk to the mike, I sneak a peak at the crowd.  No way.  She’s sitting next to Edward.  That’s my seat. As his girlfriend, my place is beside him. She doesn’t belong there.
As I sing, I cannot help but watch.  Watch her give him a hug.  Watch her whispering to him.  Watch her giggle at his reply.  I am angry, yet I keep on the calm cool demeanor of worship.  Inside, I’m twisting.  I feel something boiling to the surface.  Right now, I hold it down.  Just for now…
Another amen and I have been distracted again.  Worship time is over.  I walk offstage, to the back door, around, and then back behind the audience.  I find a seat in the closest to the sound board.  I sit in the semidarkness and let loose my thoughts.  Now, I’m watching them from the back.  Watching her whisper in his ear.  The ear that I should be whispering in.  I see her shift in my chair.  My seat.
Why is she here?  She left us.  She chose her path and it wasn’t to our door.  She chose to dabble and experiment.  She chose new friends.  I was abandoned.  I mean, she abandoned us.  Yet, she’s here now.  In my spot, by his side. In my place.
I hear an amen and I know that I have missed the message.  The pastor has been at the front talking for a half hour and I cannot recall any of it.  I sit with my head in my hands.  What have I done?  Everyone is standing up to leave.  A paper falls into my lap and I see Pastor Ken walk past.
I open the paper.

20 hours completed November 15, 2007

As a student at William Paterson University who wants to become a teacher, there are some things that I am required to do. One of them is that I have to complete 20 hours in the field. Today I realized, is when I would finish those 20 hours and I only realized it when it was nearing 3 o’clock.

It has been an interesting experience. Mrs. Sarah Becker has been my teacher in teaching and has really pushed me through these 20 hours. She has made sure that I got the most out of these hours. I have led a small guided reading group and worked with them on the story of “Rumpelstiltskin”. I have taught twice in front of the big group. I have graded assignments, called attendence, and even heped them with their math.

Yet, today may hold one of my biggest accomplishments. I had to teach the whole class. In my earlier blurb, I talked about my nervousness and feelings of not being cut out for teaching. I was so upset because this is one of my dreams. Today was very helpful.

I walked into the classroom at 1:15 and saw that the DARE officer was in the class, instructing them on how to say no and such. I sat down next to Sarah and listened to the DARE officer instruct the class. I kept looking at the class, hoping that I wouldn;t have to teach. I had prayed in my car before going into School #12, but I still felt anxious. The DARE officer said sorry to sarah for going over and then left. I looked at the clock and it read 1:40, which made me think that I wouldn’t have to teach because they had not done any language arts for the day. It’s essential that the day include 20 minutes of Language Art instruction and 60 minutes of Language Art Centers. Since Sarah usually has them ack up at 2:45, I thought that I was set. I was wrong.

Sarah tells me I’m on and says to the class that I’m going to be teaching. So I get up and Sarah has them get their Social Studies books. I have them open to page 314 and we read a little. Then I have them all stand up. I say that we are going to re-enact the Revolutionary War. I go through a little story nd have them sit down as they get killed. They enjoyed this, but kept trying to dodge me as they had to sit down.

I wanted them to discuss important people from the lesson so I had picked a couple of people from the chapter and split the class into groups. I went through an examle of what I wanted them to give me and set them to work. They did very wel except one group. They took forever to get started and by the time I had called time, they werent ready. I helped them when it was there turn, but I could tell that they were upset. I realize that I should have been more on top of them to get settled. I tried, but I should have been more forceful.

Overall, the lesson was much better than my first attempt. My first attempt was pretty bad with me not having them involved and not being confidant. Today I felt confidant in what I was doing. I guess my prayers worked.

I just feel reaffirmed that this is my calling. It always feels good to be encouraged.

Quick Blurb November 15, 2007

I have to teach today at Elmora School #12. Sara is having me teach a Social Studies link on the Revolutonary War. I’m a little nervous. Last time I taught, Sara said I did fine but I didn’t feel like I did fine. I’m very nervous about it. This is what I want to do with my life and I can’t help but feeling that I’m not cut out for this. I’m working on this lesson plan so hard but I still feel that it isn’t good. Then I’m changing my mind about what I’m going to do or say and now I’m so confused.

It’s just funny that I learn more out in the field than what they teach me about teaching in school. I like t do things, not be lectured about it. It’s just aggravating that my teaching class has all these stupid assignments that have not helped me with my becoming a teacher. Some assignments were helpful like writing a lesson plan, but others like a film review on a movie that deals with teaching, doesn’t seem to helpful. I understand that this movies were about real teachers, but our lives are not their lives.

This is just a quick post about my feelings right now. I will write about what happened later.