An phone conversation with my best friend is the spark of this blog entry. Since I am trying to get back into blogging again, I decided to tackle this lovely issue. It really isn’t a issue for many, but it is something she has caused me to consider.
I have been in and out of our church’s ministry for awhile now. I started helping in our youth group in 2004 and rose the ranks of leader. I have always loved music and when we began our youth church, I went into the worship team. It had always been an awesome place and time for me. It was the thing that brought me and my fiance together. Thursday nights was practice and was always the highlight of my week. I transitioned from youth church band to young adult church band. I even became the assistant vocal director. This was my favorite position in ministry and a position I took very seriously. Eventually, I had to step down due to my increased school work load. I was seeing that it was impossible to do it all and needed to scale back.
I must admit, that I have always been headstrong and very outspoken in our group. It had caused me to butt heads with the vocal and band director a couple of times. I know there is a entry or two that has been about these times. After stepping down, it was very hard to get into the rhythm of things. I felt very excluded and hurt by actions of those in the group. I eventually stopped going and have been embittered by things that have happened. It took some time to cope and get back to level ground, but there is somethings that will never be the same.
So, to back track slightly, my best friend was telling me about how the young adult band has begun to audition people who are interested in joining. She makes a point of saying, “Just in case you wanted to go back.” My response is automatically, “No.” It’s said in the flattest of tones. She asks, “why?” I feel that this avenue is closed to me at this point in my life. Not only this ministry, but ministry in general. Technically, I can’t go into ministry if I wanted to, but the point is I don’t want to.
People have said that I am needed back, but I don’t think so. I am not needed like I once was. I don’t feel the pull like I once had either. Some may call this pull God’s calling on my life, but I don’t feel that. It’s very tough to explain and understand because as I say this, I know one thing. I know that when I sit in the young adult service and look up at the stage, something in my heart hurts. So as I say that I don’t feel the need/ the call/ the pull, I also can say that my heart breaks while I am not on that stage singing until my lungs are gasping for air. So the big question is, what am I feeling?
Every person has some great plan for their life. I have always known this fact. I have always known that God calls people into his service and uses their gifts. I don’t know how I fit into that. I don’t know really what else to say. If I am to go back to this thing called ministry, I must then get over myself and just do it. Yet, I know I can’t physically and emotionally do that. ARG, I am just further frustrating myself with this mindset. I am ending this now.
